No Limits To Forgiveness

My wife and I are blessed with three wonderful children, and there isn’t a day that goes by without us giving thanks for the heritage we have in them. But that’s the fun bit! The not so fun bit is that hardly does a day pass without one of them (at least) making us feel like; ‘what on God’s earth did you do that for, how could you be so cruel to your sister. Haven’t you taken on board anything that I’ve told you about accommodating your siblings?’ 

We fume and rage. Withdraw some of their privileges and sentence them to an early night for the rest of the week. But no sooner than this (in fact by the next morning), as they wake up with that 'sorry-child face' apology, like, ‘mummy I’m really very sorry for spoiling your evening last night, I will never do it again – I promise’. We forgive them, even though we have lost count of how many times in the past they’ve made such failed promises.

Forgiveness Heals

This statement by Bell Hooks, the American author holds much sway in this regard. She said, “For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?”. Thus, we keep forgiving our children of their many wrongdoings in the belief that they will one day turn change. 

The more I think about it, the more I see that our penultimate interest as parents is to have a connection with our children. Hence, our primary desire more than having them obey principles is to maintain a good relationship with them. This is why our well of forgiveness is limitless towards them. And I believe it should be the same for married couples.

Matthew wrote in the 18^th chapter verses 21 and 22 of The Scriptures how that Peter asked Jesus a question about forgiveness. He said, “…, Lord, if my brother keeps on sinning against me, how many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” answered Jesus, “but seventy times seven.”

Of course, rules do exist in marriage to help us keep from straying off boundary, in other words, we can’t just do whatever we like, expecting our spouse to overlook our wrongdoings. But if our utmost care is for a right relationship and love, then we wouldn’t fix our attention on what I call ‘the sin chart’, and being judgemental. Instead, we would centre our hearts on forgiveness without limits, because we love our spouse more than principles. Because of this, we wouldn't think like Hillary Clinton who said “In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart.” But we would think like Bryant McGill that said “There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." 

Hold Me Close

Forgiveness is an act of the will. It is not a feeling but a choice. And like rivers of water, when allowed to flow through the heart, it constantly refreshes the dryness of love that couples occasionally experience in marriage.

Martin Luther King Jr said “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”

The Marriage Workshop

HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL

Many experts and relationship commentators agree that the euphoria of love between couples doesn't usually exceed the third anniversary of the marriage. And primarily, this is down to the changing feelings of love that each partner perceives from the other person. Not because they want to (in most cases), but because life tends to just happen. The family starts to grow as new members (children) are added to the home. Work pressures, and the pursuit of career prospects take a toll. Life just happens! 

At this stage in marriage, many unlearned couples start to consider divorce because they feel that the initial spark has gone, therefore, the feeling of love is like a distant memory. But like I usually tell many couples that come to us for counselling, the love is still there, it's just buried under the pile of all the other life demands that you are trying to meet. I then go further to say that they both need to work at meeting each other feel valued, and the love will naturally grow back.

I think it was the American poet, playwright and civil right activist, Maya Angelou that said "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

This in my view couldn't be truer anywhere else than in marriage.

Sometimes we may forget someone's name shortly after meeting them, we may even forget most things they said, but hardly do we ever forget how they made us feel. Usually, long after the words have been said, the arguments have been had and the deed done have passed, what lingers most in the heart and soul of our partner is how we made them feel in the process. 

Hence, we ought to always remain conscious of the things we do and say vis the effects or likely effects on our spouse. Most times, our spouse isn't selfish; they just need to be understood. When we show understanding, and respect their feelings, then we are enabling an environment our love to blossom. 

As a die-hard optimist, I don’t believe there’s any situation that cannot be changed provided that we are willing to put in the efforts. Thus, I think it is always useful for couples to keep these 3 things in mind rather than the thought of divorce. 

1. Remember why you fell in love:

The many pressures of life can sometimes make us forget the very reason why we fell in love and got married in the first place; togetherness, companionship and the sense of value for one another seems to go astray. But though our love may appear strained at times, it certainly isn’t dead. No, it’s not a furlong conclusion (since we can reignite the fire of love in our marriage by placing priority on the needs of our spouse). For like a magic wand, we’d see a huge change in their feelings when we start to put them first.

To feel loved, the average man needs respect, especially at home. Hence when he gets this from his wife, he feels happier and is more responsive. In the same way, a woman's need for safety comes top in her priority of love need. Broadly speaking, she'll feel like a natural woman when her husband cares and supports her. Note: caring for your spouse doesn't begin and end at conciliating them with material things, although that's much welcomed, but much more than this is being homely. 

2. Remember your promise to love:

We got married to our spouse because we committed to loving them for the rest of our lives. This level of devotion to each other should remain unconditional until death (not divorce) do us part. However, the challenge often is that many people seem to forget that they ever made this promise, and instead of giving love a chance they seek to throw away the pram and the baby at the slightest cry.

Dr. Williams H. Doherty (a notable marriage scholar and therapist) in his recent paper “How common is divorce and what are the reasons”, reported that “lack of commitment” accounted for 73% of the reasons people give for their divorces. This is hardly surprising!

When our spouse senses that we no longer priorities their needs, they naturally start to question our commitment to making them feel valued in the marriage. Unfortunately, if this feeling is allowed to grow over time, they will eventually feel unwanted. In such instances, it could take great grace to win back their confidence. 

3. Remember that kindness thumbs, not meanness:

 

Being mean to your spouse pays you no dividends, but will instead put you in the red. That’s why you must take to being kind with your words and actions. If your spouse is the dearest person to you then it is wisdom that you let them know this, because that will ensure that you bag plenty of brownie points.

Something occurred to me recently that I found very interesting! The letters that comprise the text 'words' are W O R D S. If you take the S at the end and you place it at the beginning of the text, the word and meaning changes profoundly. You get the text S W O R D, a metal blade that is used for warring and has the potential to kill a person. So, be careful how you use your words that they do not become the sword that destroys your marriage.

It is very important that we are gentle and gracious with our words, so that we do not open the flood gates of hell upon our marriage due to our carelessness. Some damages when made are very difficult to unmake. We might be able to retract on what we said, but the feeling that it creates in our spouse may be hard to undo.  

In conclusion, we should always remember that our spouse is not the enemy, and fighting them could mean that we win the battle but lose the war.  

The Marriage Workshop

When Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ Isn’t Enough

Let’s face it; by loving, we risk being hurt! Since the same person that we cherish and fondly respect turn out to always be the one who manages to upset us unavoidably, all in the name of love. 

It is indeed one of those aspects of relationship and marriage that we cannot prevent, but rather one that we must get good at dealing with if we are to have a thriving marriage.

It goes without saying that every marriage has its fair share of difficult times. Nevertheless, the true definition of a healthy marriage is how balanced it is when considering the way in which couples make each other feel when the other person expresses hurt due to the actions or words of their spouse. It’s not really how much time they spend having fun but how well they are able to deal with the unpreventable storms that faces the marriage.

Having said that, all hurt is not the same in degree and in reality, some wounds go very deep into the heart of the injured that it can suffocate the air in the relationship. It could be that the wounded partner feel betrayed or it could be that they feel their needs have been ignored by their partner for too long. And when they can no longer bare it, they switch off completely.

Therefore, saying ‘I’m sorry’ at such times isn’t just enough to sustain a marriage!

On our Facebook Page, The Marriage Workshop, we get approximately 200 correspondences every month and the bulk part of these relates to wives who are hurting because of their husbands act of infidelity. Reading from most of these women, I could detect that they are truly in search of an answer to the confusion that’s ensued in their lives, as a result of the shattered and broken feeling caused by their husband’s adultery.

Based on these and other cases, I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 main circumstances in marriage where merely saying ‘I’m sorry’ holds little ground in the heart of the wounded.

1. When it involves adultery:

Adultery basically breaks the marital vows. It is treacherous and for most women, it is the highest form of betrayal.

Most normal people would resist the thought of sharing their most cherished possession with someone else. We see this behaviour with our children who seem happy to share play time with their siblings and mates but are quick to place ‘a ban’ on anyone touching their most valuable doll or toy. ‘It is mine’, they say, unwilling to share!

Something funny happened the other day that makes me chuckle every time I remember it.

My wife forgot to buy a birthday present for my daughter’s friend's party. So, she went into the closet and got out a doll that Lisa (our 5 year old) got for Christmas, which was still unopened. Upon realising that her mum was about to give away this rare doll, Lisa broke into loud cries, in protest. But somehow, my wife managed to appease her by promising an immediate replacement.

As I took her into the car to head for the party, I asked, “Lisa, I thought you like to share your things with people, how come you were protesting when your mum was wrapping the doll for your friend”? To which she replied, “Yes, but only for people in need!” We both couldn’t stop laughing at her extent of knowing that you just don’t easily let go of something that’s special to you. The point I’m making here is that it is inborn in us to be possessive and protective of things we deem valuable to us.

For most married women, their husband is a priceless possession, and the thought of sharing him with another woman is by far the highest form of betrayal. Thus, merely saying ‘I’m sorry’ wouldn’t quite make the pain that your infidelity caused her go away just like that. But as the offender, you have to take full responsibility and not blame your failures on circumstances or any other factor for that matter. It isn’t enough just to say that you are sorry, you have to realise that your actions have caused your spouse enormous pain by taking full responsibility for the way they now feel, and stop beating about the bush.

In addition to saying 'I'm sorry', you must take responsibility and be ready to lay down your arms.

2. When the offence is habitual:

If an offence becomes habitual, then merely saying ‘I’m sorry’ would mean very little to the hurting partner. The offender has to fully and genuinely repent if they are to be taken seriously by the offended.

In my view, many people who say they are sorry for a wrongful act do not truly understand the meaning of the word repentance. If they did, they would not be so defensive of their failures but would rather feel a deep sense of self-reproach for their wrong actions.

How many times have you tried to reproof someone for going out of line but instead of taking to correction, they start an argument in their favour. But ‘I’m sorry’ would be easily believable when we all learn to self-examine, especially if our spouse feels hurt by our actions or words.

3. When the ‘I’m sorry’ is insincere:

Some people need time to heal from a hurt, and we have to respect that.

If you are the offender, it is no longer within your power to dictate when your spouse (whom you offended) should ‘snap out of it’. You have to show care and concern for their feelings by being patient whilst they try to navigate their way out of the woods created by your mistake. But if you try to rush them out of it, then it shows that you are not sincere about your apology – which might further deepen the wound that you’ve already created.

Hence, recognise that your spouse has the right to feel betrayed and be patient with them as opposed to being cocky in your actions. Don’t say things like ‘but it’s not the end of the world’ or ‘I am not the first man to have committed adultery, what’s the big deal’. Statements like these show that you are insincere about your ‘I’m sorry’ statement.

The other day on twitter, I wrote, “It is not weakness to say sorry when you are wrong”, no it isn’t! It is a sign of strength and maturity and we all should seek to foster peace in our marriages by embracing this concept. But note this though, if your apology doesn’t’ mean much to you, you therefore shouldn’t expect it to have sway on the person to whom you have inflicted pain.

Yes, you should say ‘I’m sorry’ but mean it, and don’t let it become just one of those songs.

The Marriage Workshop

The Power of Forgiveness

With forgiveness comes great and enormous power to forestall discord and division in our relationship and marriage. We all know that it is in the nature of humans to err, sometimes intentionally and other times unintentionally. But giving this unavoidable reality of life, we have therefore been endowed with the power to forgive people (especially our spouse) whenever they err.

I didn't mean to hurt you! Anger, pain disappointment and hurt are all feelings that arise from the wrongful deeds or acts done to us by someone else. But that’s just it! It's only a feeling and not a permanent condition, unless of course we allow it to fester and grow until it becomes destructive. Feelings however, are never perpetual, they are temporal. In fact, they are conscious subjective experience of emotion that come and go depending on our mood. But forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice. It is a decision.

Our feelings are often irrational but forgiveness on the contrary is rational.

At times, the hurt and withdrawal reactions that we feel when we think that our husband or wife is out of line can be biased, but or choice and decision to forgive them regardless must be intentional. We may not feel like they deserve our forgiveness, especially whilst the anger and upset is still raging in our mind. But when we start to look at things logically, we become calmer and soon realise that our tendency to forgive in our mind will be on the rise. This happens because our sense of logic takes control by helping us to separate our negative emotions of anger and disgust from the person of our spouse. And by so doing, we start to see their good virtues again instead of thinking of them in a negative way. This is why it is dangerous in a relationship or marriage to base our attitude towards our spouse (and the treatment of them) primarily on our feelings. Because our feelings can sometimes be misleading!

For example, there were times that I really didn't feel like loving my wife because I felt upset by her. But that doesn’t mean that she’s no longer that beautiful, lovely and virtues woman that I married. No, it doesn’t! It’s just that in that moment, my feeling was trying to cloud my perception of her. However, when I decided to detach that negative feeling through my rational and logical thinking, and not being judgemental, I soon was able to look beyond my hurt to see that she never actually intended to cause me harm. It was just a mistake. Thus, I am able to overcome that feeling by choosing to forgive her. And soon, I'm all over her like a rash.

Our feelings are not always reliable, they can be quite misrepresentative of the real situation. That’s why we must learn to keep them in check through rational and logical thoughts that produces in us the power to forgive. And I think knowing that it is inherent in us as humans to err gives us the scope to forgive our spouse and others unreservedly.

But we cannot begin to forgive others if we’ve not yet learnt to forgive our-self or our past. Somehow, an unresolved past has a way of rearing its ugly head every now and again.

It is true as they say that nothing in life is impossible when we believe, but I am convinced that the promised lands of our lives can become impossible to reach if we try to live life through the past. Many times, the past is like a prison that practically limits us from making progress in life because we have not yet freed ourselves from its drawbacks.

Nonetheless, we have the power to forgive, and to let go of the past. It is a choice!

Hence, no matter how central we think that feeling of disgust, anger and bitterness is to us, we must always remember that we can literally take back control by deciding to forgive that person (from our past) whom we feel terrible about, every time we remember them. Yes, we can!

Steps to forgiveness:

1. Realise:

When we realise that most people are actually doing their best to be good, and that we all (as humans) are work in progress, then forgiveness becomes easy to do. Unless your spouse is the devil incarnate, they are not out to get you or to make your life miserable. It’s just that from time to time they will say things that they didn’t intend or mean to say. Sometimes also, they may do things not knowing that it would cause you upset, because if they knew that it would upset you, they would perhaps not have done it that way. Basically, we have to allow our spouse the space to be a person and not a robot.

2. Decide: 

I forgive you! Forgiveness as I’ve said previously is not a feeling but a choice. We must understand that when we allow dislike and disgust to fester against our spouse due to un-forgiveness we create room for disharmony and disunity in the home. The effect of this is that we gradually drift apart and may eventually become two enemies living under the same roof where every little thing is aggravated. As a result, whatever progress that we could have made as a unit is withheld, and most of our efforts to live a normal marital life are frustrated because of this. Ultimately, this could have a damaging effect on our children because they might grow up thinking that it is normal to live like this. Whereas it isn’t!

3. Act on your decision:

No feeling or emotion has the power to hold us prisoner unless we allow it to. We are not slaves to our emotions and feelings and we should never allow them to cloud our judgements or dictate our actions. We must learn to be quick to forgive by acting immediately on our decision to forgive. My wife and I have a saying that “Marriage should not be endured but should be enjoyed”, but enjoying your marriage can only become a reality when you are quick to forgive your spouse.

Finally, what makes us different from other animals is that power to be rational that we possess. As humans, we do not live only by our impulse (feeling and sense) but it has been our ability to separate objectivity from subjectivity that has helped us to foster good relations with the world outside of ours.

Be quick to forgive because you have the power to do so!

The Marriage Workshop