Dealing With Adultery

In our last message on this platform, we established that adultery is not a mistake but that it is a sin - that's if we are to say it as it is. Well, here is another example of how this menace can create a very deep wound in the heart of the spouse that's at the receiving end of it. You feel cheated, betrayed and taken for granted by the very person that you reposed so much trust and confidence in.

It's not, and never can be a palatable experience to be at the receiving end of such acts of unfaithfulness. Because it really does test your resolve and commitment to your marriage. So much so that you are torn between dealing with the matter on ground and fulfilling the burden of forgiveness that seems to weigh heavy on you. You are thus left on the edge, worrying about how or if you could ever get past it.

But what can you do if you still love your spouse, though they've betrayed your trust, broken a promise to remain faithful to you and have defiled your marriage vows?

Here are some steps that can help you mend the situation:

1. Understand that it is normal that you are grieving: If you are very loyal and trusting of your spouse, the circumstance of adultery in your marriage can feel somewhat like a huge loss of a loved one to you. Hence, it is perfectly normal for you to grieve. Doing this would help you to deal quicker with the shock that ensued in your system by the sinful act of your spouse. So grieve but don't let it consume you to the point that you are negligent of life altogether. You may keep your distance for a while, but don't be spiteful of your spouse. Yes, you are angry and disappointed, but don't ever allow this to turn into vindictive attacks on your spouse.

2. Understand that it is not your fault: Most couples who are victims (on the receiving end) of adultery tend to blame themselves for the illicit actions of their spouse, when in reality, it isn't their fault. Whilst it is always healthy to look inwards at times and ask oneself if there are things one may have done better to stop things like this from happening, ultimately, it is the responsibility of the offending spouse to maintain their fidelity in marriage. Therefore, it is not your fault that it happened and you shouldn't blame yourself for it. The truth is that the exigent lust for sex in some people tends to drive them into doing things that they may live to regret for a long time. So, it is not your fault! You are the one that's been hurt! And you are the one that needs healing!

3. Understand the need to talk it over: One thing you mustn't do is to run away from talking to your spouse about it. No, that will not help the situation. By talking it over with your spouse, you are creating the chance for healing - both for you and your spouse. This is not to say that you should make excuses for their actions, but it is important for you to try and get behind the facts of the case. For example, does he love the woman with whom he committed the act or was it just a one off act? What were the circumstances that lead to it happening? It is not acceptable to say that it was a mistake or that it was the devil! This is the time to be real about it. Keep the discussions matured and positive though, especially seeing your desire is to save the marriage.

4. Understand the need to set boundaries: Firstly, the offending spouse must genuinely repent and seek from their heart the forgiveness of the spouse on the receiving end. Without this, the whole process is jeopardised even before you start. Once this has been established, you will need to agree together set of rules that will encourage accountability to one another. For example, if he is having an affair with the woman he committed adultery with, but he still wants your marriage to work. Then it goes without saying that he should put an end to the affair immediately. He must also commit to severing every tie to the lady concerned.

5. Understand you might need counselling: The weight of dealing with pains that result from your spouse's adulterous act can sometimes be too much for you to carry by yourself. This is where you'll need to reach out to a professional counsellor (like The Marriage Workshop) to help you through it. You don't have to suffer in silence. There are people out there or even within your circle that are well equipped to help you come to terms with your situations. Never make the mistake of bottling it because it would only give rise to resentment towards your spouse. A problem shared, as they say, is a problem half solved.

Adultery is actually the only reason the bible allows for divorce, Matthew 19:9. But if you've already shut the door against divorce in your marriage, then you would know that your best option is to forgive your spouse. Hence, you will seek to make your marriage work.

The Marriage Workshop​