Is Love Truly Blind?

Well...! What do you think?

"Love is blind and love can be foolish – Our heart doesn’t always love the right people at the right time. Sometimes we hurt the ones that love us the most and sometimes we love the ones that don’t deserve our love at all."

       Anonymous

“Love is not blind. Loves sees but does not mind. In fact, love sees more. Love enables you to see your partner in a way that nobody else can. Love sees everything; the good, the bad, the strengths and the flaws yet chooses to love.” 
                        Anonymous

I've really been thinking a lot about this concept of 'love is blind' and my curiosity led me to asking a number of young adult for their thoughts on the matter. 

One person said, "Yes, I think love is blind because you are so in love with the guy that you do not actually think about anything else but spending some time with him. Sometimes, it's so bad that even when you think he's lying to you about something, you easily overlook it because you don't want the feeling you get when you are with him to end." And in conclusion, she said, "So,I think love is blind."

Another one reported the following: "I knew that my ex was a cheat, but he tells me he loves me. He buys me stuff and makes me feel like a real woman whenever I'm with him. When I'm feeling like that, I tend to forget what he has done, because I think he truly loves me. I don't know for sure if love is blind but I can only go by the way I feel when I am with him."

After a short debate, one of the guys in the group spoke up for the boys, I guess! "When you love someone, you kind of overlook some of their annoying habits and imperfections. I guess that’s why people say that love is blind. But it’s not because you cannot see these annoying habits, you do see them but you decide to not be bothered by them because of the love you have for the person."

Dr Aron Ben-Zeev said, “Lovers are often blind to the beloved's negative traits and tend to create an idealized image of the beloved.” This means that there is a process of conscious reasoning that makes lovers to substitute idealism for reality. Indeed, the picture of a fairy-tale life is forever an appealing sensation to many people, and some would confess to not ever wanting to wake up to reality, and would rather remain in that moment – for as long as it lasts. Thus, the willpower helplessly becomes subservient to the passions of love. Hence, love appears to be blind.

I like what Bertrand Russell, the British logician and mathematician said about love. He said, “The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.”

The feeling of love towards a person should be an incentive to want to be with them, but the knowledge of the person they are (substance and integrity) must guide our decision whether to remain with them or not. This I think is more concrete and a better safeguard from broken heartedness. 

Ricardo Montalban lived 89 long years and his marriage to Georgiana Young lasted six decades and 3 years. You could liken him to the George Clooney of his generation. He said, 

“True love doesn't happen right away; it's an ever-growing process. It develops after you've gone through many ups and downs, when you've suffered together, cried together, laughed together.”

There’s a word that is used synonymously for love. That word is ‘infatuation’. It usually implies a sense of obsession with something; a craze for or a fixation with… But it is by no means love. It is always almost short lived and if anything, is a shadow of what love is. Wherever you find it, you see a complete and utter loss of cognition in the mind of the infatuated person. 

Could this be what people mean when they quip ‘Love is blind’? Perhaps!

I think the greatest paragraph ever written about love can be found in one of the books of Paul, which he wrote to the Corinthian church. 

Here’s how he described love,

Love is patient; love is kind, it isn’t jealous,

it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, it isn’t rude,

it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable,

it doesn’t keep a record of complaints,  

it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things. 
Love never fails…

                                               

I Corinthians 13:4-6a (CEB)

It doesn’t get any clearer than this, I don’t think! This kind of love cannot be blind, but it is real. It is not a shadowy infatuation that tends to cause regrets and heartbreaks to so many people. It is inspiring, intentional and indisputable.

To me! Love isn’t blind. People may be blinded by infatuation, but love is definitely not blind. Loves sees but doesn’t mind. In fact, everything is within its full glare; the good, the bad, the strengths and the flaws yet it chooses to keep on loving.

The Marriage Workshop

When The Pain Is Real

Jonas and Alison were married in the spring of 99.

She was quite a pretty woman, the type that most men will desire. She wasn't looking for too much in a man but that he should love her, be faithful and committed to their future together. This is every woman's dream, I guess! 

About three years into their marriage, he accepted a sales rep job with a company based in Nottingham, which put a strain on their relationship because of the distance between work and home. Although he would come home most weekends, it was quite obvious (with the passing of time) that Jonas had become a visitor in his own home. “Something just didn’t feel right about him anymore” – said Alison.

The first indication of this, according to Alison, was his sense of hurriedness to go back to Nottingham. Whenever he came back home, he always seemed to talk regularly about work and Nottingham. As if she and the children did no longer matter in his world. She's asked him on a few occasions for her and the children to come spend some time with him in Nottingham. That way, she and the children will get to see this wonderful place that daddy always talks about. But each time she brought up the suggestion, he seemed to give some flimsy excuses for why it was not the best idea.

He would say things like "Oh, can't you see that we would disrupt the children's schooling by moving them around like that – I think they're happier here in Slough." Or he would say, “There’s no urgency in it, we will know when the time is right. Let's give it some more time, besides my work there may soon be coming to an end." So she decided to let the matter rest, knowing that he wasn't at all willing for it to happen.

Alison is quite amiable. She's not one to hurt a fly, and she would do anything to avoid an argument – especially with her husband. She resolved to carry on with her life, hoping that someday she might be able to convince him otherwise. Perhaps, maybe he'll get another job that'll mean he is closer home or better still, he would be relocated back to Slough since his work there will soon come to an end.

On the eve of their 5th anniversary, she was contacted by a stranger via email. The email sender introduced herself as Jonas’s wife, portraying this through pictures contained in the email. There were loads of pictures of him and the woman with a kid that she claimed she had for Jonas. Since he wasn't due home until later at night, Alison calmed herself in wait for his return. She felt it was imprudent to jump into conclusions without first hearing his version of the story. So she waited!

But there was no denying it, the evidences were too compelling. There were pictures upon pictures showing him, the woman and the kid from the woman at the christening of the baby and also some pictures of his birthday celebration.

You can't explain things like this away. You can't blame it on circumstances. Things don't just happen! 

Confronted with all the evidence, he said he was sorry and that he could explain but Alison was distrust and very angry. Hence, a mild scuffle ensued. This is rather understandable giving the confusion that her husband’s infidelity and secrecy had created. She had to vent her emotions somehow! Eventually, she got the long arm of the law involved, and they escorted the man out of the house that same night. To make matters worse, she got a court order to stop him from coming to the house, weeks after the episode. Most people in my shoes would do the same thing, she said.

In the spring of 2004, they were divorced, after just five years of marriage! 

Jonas was later prosecuted for bigamy and he was instructed by the magistrate to pay damages amounting to £250,000 to Alison, plus a monthly allowance of £10,000 for the up keep of the children. Despite these compensations, she is yet to recover from the pain that the experience has caused her, 13 years on. She doesn't think she could ever trust a man again, and every attempt at having a relationship has been epileptic at best. 

Shantel, the first daughter from her marriage with Jonas is 18 now, but she doesn't want to know her father because of the hellish situation that he'd put them through. She thinks he is a selfish, self centred and self-seeking person who doesn’t deserve to be called a dad.

Alison and Jonas dated for about 8 months before marriage and she remembers those first two months into their courtship, when she visited his flat in London for the first time. There were ladies clothes and panties in one of the wardrobe in the bedroom, but he said these belonged to his sister who occasionally spent the night in the flat. She never thought to enquire more from his sister because she loved him and didn’t want to upset their relationship. But should one truly trust someone after just two months of meeting them?

She wished now that she had been a little more inquisitive. Perhaps all these could have been avoided. But alas! The deed has been done! Her marriage to Jonas ended in bitterness and grave disappointment.

The story you've just read is a real life account but the names have been changed to protect the identity of the people.

The Marriage Workshop