Let’s face it; by loving, we risk being hurt!
Since the same person that we cherish and fondly respect turn out to always be
the one who manages to upset us unavoidably, all in the name of love.
It is indeed one
of those aspects of relationship and marriage that we cannot prevent, but rather
one that we must get good at dealing with if we are to have a thriving marriage.
It goes without saying that every marriage
has its fair share of difficult times. Nevertheless, the true definition of a
healthy marriage is how balanced it is when considering the way in which
couples make each other feel when the other person expresses hurt due to the
actions or words of their spouse. It’s not really how much time they spend
having fun but how well they are able to deal with the unpreventable storms
that faces the marriage.
Having said that, all hurt is not the same in
degree and in reality, some wounds go very deep into the heart of the injured
that it can suffocate the air in the relationship. It could be that the wounded
partner feel betrayed or it could be that they feel their needs have been
ignored by their partner for too long. And when they can no longer bare it,
they switch off completely.
Therefore, saying
‘I’m sorry’ at such times isn’t just enough to sustain a marriage!
On our Facebook Page, The Marriage Workshop,
we get approximately 200 correspondences every month and the bulk part of these
relates to wives who are hurting because of their husbands act of infidelity.
Reading from most of these women, I could detect that they are truly in search
of an answer to the confusion that’s ensued in their lives, as a result of the shattered and broken
feeling caused by their husband’s adultery.
Based on these and other cases, I have come
to the conclusion that there are 3 main circumstances in marriage where merely
saying ‘I’m sorry’ holds little ground in the heart of the wounded.
1. When it involves adultery:
Adultery basically breaks the marital vows.
It is treacherous and for most women, it is the highest form of betrayal.
Most normal
people would resist the thought of sharing their most cherished possession
with someone else. We see this behaviour with our children who seem happy to
share play time with their siblings and mates but are quick to place ‘a ban’ on
anyone touching their most valuable doll or toy. ‘It is mine’, they say,
unwilling to share!
Something funny happened the other day that
makes me chuckle every time I remember it.
My wife forgot to buy a birthday present for
my daughter’s friend's party. So, she went into the closet and got out a doll
that Lisa (our 5 year old) got for Christmas, which was still unopened. Upon
realising that her mum was about to give away this rare doll, Lisa broke into loud
cries, in protest. But somehow, my wife managed to appease her by promising an
immediate replacement.
As I took her into the car to head for the
party, I asked, “Lisa, I thought you like to share your things with people, how
come you were protesting when your mum was wrapping the doll for your friend”? To
which she replied, “Yes, but only for people in need!” We both couldn’t stop
laughing at her extent of knowing that you just don’t easily let go of
something that’s special to you. The point I’m making here is that it is inborn
in us to be possessive and protective of things we deem valuable to us.
For most married women, their husband is a
priceless possession, and the thought of sharing him with another woman is by far
the highest form of betrayal. Thus, merely saying ‘I’m sorry’ wouldn’t quite make
the pain that your infidelity caused her go away just like that. But as the
offender, you have to take full responsibility and not blame your failures on
circumstances or any other factor for that matter. It isn’t enough just to say
that you are sorry, you have to realise that your actions have caused your
spouse enormous pain by taking full responsibility for the way they now feel,
and stop beating about the bush.
In addition to saying 'I'm sorry', you must take responsibility and be ready to lay down
your arms.
2. When the offence is habitual:
If an offence becomes habitual, then merely
saying ‘I’m sorry’ would mean very little to the hurting partner. The offender
has to fully and genuinely repent if they are to be taken seriously by the
offended.
In my view, many people who say they are
sorry for a wrongful act do not truly understand the meaning of the word
repentance. If they did, they would not be so defensive of their failures but
would rather feel a deep sense of self-reproach for their wrong actions.
How many times have you tried to reproof
someone for going out of line but instead of taking to correction, they start
an argument in their favour. But ‘I’m sorry’ would be easily believable when we
all learn to self-examine, especially if our spouse feels hurt by our actions
or words.
3. When the ‘I’m sorry’ is insincere:
Some people need time to heal from a hurt,
and we have to respect that.
If you are the offender, it is no longer
within your power to dictate when your spouse (whom you offended) should ‘snap
out of it’. You have to show care and concern for their feelings by being
patient whilst they try to navigate their way out of the woods created by your
mistake. But if you try to rush them out of it, then it shows that you are not
sincere about your apology – which might further deepen the wound that you’ve
already created.
Hence, recognise that your spouse has the
right to feel betrayed and be patient with them as opposed to being cocky in
your actions. Don’t say things like ‘but it’s not the end of the world’ or ‘I
am not the first man to have committed adultery, what’s the big deal’.
Statements like these show that you are insincere about your ‘I’m sorry’
statement.
The other day on twitter, I wrote, “It is not
weakness to say sorry when you are wrong”, no it isn’t! It is a sign of
strength and maturity and we all should seek to foster peace in our marriages
by embracing this concept. But note this though, if your apology doesn’t’ mean
much to you, you therefore shouldn’t expect it to have sway on the person to
whom you have inflicted pain.
Yes, you should say ‘I’m sorry’ but mean it,
and don’t let it become just one of
those songs.
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