With forgiveness comes great and enormous power
to forestall discord and division in our relationship and marriage. We all know
that it is in the nature of humans to err, sometimes intentionally and other
times unintentionally. But giving this unavoidable reality of life, we have
therefore been endowed with the power to forgive people (especially our spouse)
whenever they err.
Anger, pain
disappointment and hurt are all feelings that arise from the wrongful deeds or
acts done to us by someone else. But that’s just it! It's only a feeling and
not a permanent condition, unless of course we allow it to fester and grow
until it becomes destructive. Feelings however, are never perpetual, they are
temporal. In fact, they are conscious subjective experience of emotion that
come and go depending on our mood. But forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a
choice. It is a decision.
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Our feelings are
often irrational but forgiveness on the contrary is rational.
At times, the hurt
and withdrawal reactions that we feel when we think that our husband or wife is
out of line can be biased, but or choice and decision to forgive them
regardless must be intentional. We may not feel like they deserve our
forgiveness, especially whilst the anger and upset is still raging in our mind.
But when we start to look at things logically, we become calmer and soon
realise that our tendency to forgive in our mind will be on the rise. This
happens because our sense of logic takes control by helping us to separate our
negative emotions of anger and disgust from the person of our spouse. And by so
doing, we start to see their good virtues again instead of thinking of them in
a negative way. This is why it is dangerous in a relationship or marriage to
base our attitude towards our spouse (and the treatment of them) primarily on
our feelings. Because our feelings can sometimes be misleading!
For example, there
were times that I really didn't feel like loving my wife because I felt
upset by her. But that doesn’t mean that she’s no longer that beautiful, lovely
and virtues woman that I married. No, it doesn’t! It’s just that in that
moment, my feeling was trying to cloud my perception of her. However, when I
decided to detach that negative feeling through my rational and logical
thinking, and not being judgemental, I soon was able to look beyond my
hurt to see that she never actually intended to cause me harm. It was just a
mistake. Thus, I am able to overcome that feeling by choosing to forgive her.
And soon, I'm all over her like a rash.
Our feelings are not always reliable, they can be
quite misrepresentative of the real situation. That’s why we must learn to keep
them in check through rational and logical thoughts that produces in us the
power to forgive. And I think knowing that it is inherent in us as humans to
err gives us the scope to forgive our spouse and others unreservedly.
But we cannot begin
to forgive others if we’ve not yet learnt to forgive our-self or our past.
Somehow, an unresolved past has a way of rearing its ugly head every now and
again.
It is true as they
say that nothing in life is impossible when we believe, but I am convinced that
the promised lands of our lives can become impossible to reach if we try to
live life through the past. Many times, the past is like a prison that practically
limits us from making progress in life because we have not yet freed ourselves
from its drawbacks.
Nonetheless, we
have the power to forgive, and to let go of the past. It is a choice!
Hence, no matter
how central we think that feeling of disgust, anger and bitterness is to us, we
must always remember that we can literally take back control by deciding to
forgive that person (from our past) whom we feel terrible about, every time we
remember them. Yes, we can!
When we realise that
most people are actually doing their best to be good, and that we all (as
humans) are work in progress, then forgiveness becomes easy to do. Unless your
spouse is the devil incarnate, they are not out to get you or to make your life
miserable. It’s just that from time to time they will say things that they
didn’t intend or mean to say. Sometimes also, they may do things not knowing
that it would cause you upset, because if they knew that it would upset you,
they would perhaps not have done it that way. Basically, we have to allow our
spouse the space to be a person and not a robot.
2. Decide:
Forgiveness as I’ve
said previously is not a feeling but a choice. We must understand that when we
allow dislike and disgust to fester against our spouse due to un-forgiveness we
create room for disharmony and disunity in the home. The effect of this is that
we gradually drift apart and may eventually become two enemies living under the
same roof where every little thing is aggravated. As a result, whatever
progress that we could have made as a unit is withheld, and most of our efforts
to live a normal marital life are frustrated because of this. Ultimately, this
could have a damaging effect on our children because they might grow up
thinking that it is normal to live like this. Whereas it isn’t!
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No feeling or emotion
has the power to hold us prisoner unless we allow it to. We are not slaves to
our emotions and feelings and we should never allow them to cloud our
judgements or dictate our actions. We must learn to be quick to forgive by
acting immediately on our decision to forgive. My wife and I have a saying that
“Marriage should not be endured but should be enjoyed”,
but enjoying your marriage can only become a reality when you are quick to
forgive your spouse.
Finally, what makes
us different from other animals is that power to be rational that we possess.
As humans, we do not live only by our impulse
(feeling and sense) but it has been our ability to separate objectivity from
subjectivity that has helped us to foster good relations with the world outside
of ours.
Be quick to forgive because you have the
power to do so!
The Marriage Workshop
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