The Marriage Workshop: When Love Is Not Enough...

Loving is a human activity. Humans are complex beings, therefore love is somewhat complex. Not necessarily because it should be so, but I think it is the human factor in the mix that makes it rather intricate. That’s why two people can start off as love birds and you hear them say things like, ‘oh! I can’t live without you’; ‘you are the love of my life’; ‘I thank God for the day that I met you’; ‘my life has never been the same since you walked in’ – and so on and so forth, only to end up hating each other a few years later.

In my line of work, marriage and relationship counselling, I hear a lot of sad and unfortunate stories of broken hearts and betrayed promises. And nearly in all of these cases, the couples tend to ask at least two of the below questions.

Could it be that we were not actually made for each other in the first place and were just an accident (divorce) waiting to happen?
Could it be that we were blinded by the love euphoria hence, ignored all the warning signs that showed the relationship wouldn’t last?
Or, could it be that we had a misguided notion of love and didn’t really understand what it’s all about?

I have thought a lot about these and many other issues that people bring to the table, and it strikes me that there are times when love is not enough to make your marriage happy. Because of the changing nature of love. Love is a feeling. And feelings are transitory i.e. they are subject to changes. One minute you may feel positive about yourself, but moments later, you may not feel so positive. If love is a feeling, and feelings are changeable (i.e. they rise and fall), it therefore means that love too is unfixed.

The other day, my son upset his youngest sister. She was so angry that she shouted with tears in her eyes “I hate YOU”, which made me quite annoyed with her because we’ve brought them up not to use such words. But to my surprise, less than an hour later, they were cuddling and laughing again. Then I thought to myself, ‘this is an example that I must learn to follow. To not be too upset with people that I end up refusing their love’.

Generally, when we feel happy, love is easy, but it becomes much more difficult when we feel disappointed and annoyed.

If marriage is a journey, then love is that vehicle that conveys us on the road of life to the desired destination (bliss, joy, happiness and fulfilment). But like every vehicle goes through wear and tear through daily use, and needs servicing periodically, so do our marriage need periodic maintenance to keep our relationship healthy. Doing this would essentially help us avoid the unpleasant experience of accidents, which I liken to a divorce.

To keep our relationship fresh and to ensure that our love bank (as Gary Chapman would say) is constantly full, we will have to practice and live by the following 10 principles as a lifestyle.

The 10 Key Principles To Ensuring A Fulfilling Marriage

Realise that there are times when circumstances in your marriage will require you to sacrifice your needs and wants for the good of your spouse. When this happens, don’t feel cheated, resentful and vulnerable but consider it an act of love for your spouse.
Realise that though your fears, thought and ideas may be real to you, they may not be for your partner. Respect their thoughts and ideas and don’t blackmail them into agreeing with your feelings, but accept that they have the right to be different.
Realise that you owe it to yourself and your spouse to communicate your emotions, wants and needs in a way that is both constructive and thoughtful, without damaging the feelings of your spouse in the process.
Realise that you are not perfect. Admit that you are wrong when you make mistakes and be willing to receive feedback from your spouse without making excuses for your actions, but reaffirm your commitment to trying to make better choices in the future.
Realise that your spouse is different from you, sometimes they will misunderstand your feelings and points of view but this doesn’t mean rejection. Be tolerant, empathic and accommodating in those times.
Realise that there is a funny side to who you are. Don’t always take it personal when your spouse or others laugh because of what you said or did wrong, but be willing to laugh at yourself sometimes.
Realise that your good intentions can sometimes negatively affect your spouse and others, especially when it comes as a surprise. Be willing to change your approach if our spouse seem unprepared to go on that journey with you at that time. Be patient with them and give them time to adjust.
Realise that you owe it to yourself and you spouse to progressively change (logically and rationally), so that you don’t keep falling at every hurdle that life throws at you and your marriage in the future.
Realise that you owe it to yourself and your spouse to set boundaries for your extended families (and those of your spouse), and other third parties from interfering in your marriage. Respect this agreement at all times and seek to enforce it by letting your family know that your marriage comes before them.
Realise that kindness thumbs over meanness. Your spouse is not your enemy. They may let you down sometimes but you owe it to yourself to give them an opportunity to apologise and be forgiven when they make mistakes.