Little Foxes That Spoil Your Marriage Vineyard (part 1)

King Solomon was renowned for his wealth and wisdom, and is still widely regarded as the richest man that ever lived. But that’s not all that Solomon Jesse was known for. Because in addition to his many proverbs were some carefully designated poetries of love that he devoted much of his time to writing.

 

In one of the pages of the script, Solomon writes,

“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!” Songs of Solomon (NLT)

Now! What might those little foxes be?

1. Lack of shared interest: Compatibility doesn’t mean that you are the same with your spouse, however, there must be a sense of shared interest between you. There must be something that you both enjoy doing together as a couple. But if the husband doesn’t always (the key word here is always) want to go see a movie when the wife wants to, or the wife doesn’t always want to go on holiday when the husband wants to, then this can be a signal that there’s something wrong with the marriage. It might seem subtle, but it’s a little fox regardless. It can ruin your marriage vine.
2. Lack of permission to develop outside friendship: Men especially, still relish spending time ‘with the boys’ and may feel choked if they feel that their wife is not giving them the freedom to do this. Same applies to the womenfolk. Possessive relationship can be hurtful to both parties and is often a sign that self-worth is lacking in the possessive spouse. Couples should be secure enough to allow their spouse space to nurture progressive and productive associations outside of the marriage.
3. Lack of general hygiene: Carlos Santana said, “Most people don't have that willingness to break bad habits. They have a lot of excuses and they talk like victims.” If there’s a bad habit that your spouse has been complaining about, for example; peeing on the toilet seat and not wiping it off, piling dishes in the sink, littering the bedroom with your dirty laundry or messing up the sink and mirror with toothpaste. Then you have to intensify your efforts to stop it. Don’t keep making excuses. Just stop it!   
4. Lack of liberality: One of the biggest enemy of progress is tradition. John Maxwell said, “When it comes to principles, be solid as a rock. But when it comes to taste, swim with the current.” Your views shouldn’t always be the leading view (men are mostly guilty of this), but learn to go with the views of others. Don’t insist in having your own way all of the time or you may find that you win the battle but lose the war.
5. Lack of financial sense: Finance is one key area of disagreement in many marriages. Thus, being prudent with money ensures that the foxes of finance doesn't ruin your marriage. It is therefore advisable that couples have a binding agreement about how they will manage their finances so that they are not always out of pocket in times of need. Money gives us access to a lot of good things in life, but we must not get carried away by the lure of this.
6. Lack of communication: I think it was Virginia Satir that said, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” Don’t assume that your spouse should understand how you feel, learn to communicate your feelings in a positive and constructive way. But communication isn’t complete without listening, so learn to listen for information, frustration and hope. Then fix it!
7. Lack of trust: Love is a gift we are given by our spouse, but trust is a reward we earn from them for being true to that love. Bo Bennett said, “For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.” You cannot keep living deceitfully and expect that you spouse will trust you. That’s a false balance! You have no reason to lie to your spouse. Be open and honest, and they will trust and respect you more.

Albert Einstein hit the nail on the head when he said, “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”

The Marriage Workshop 

How To Divorce Proof Your Marriage:

We live at a time when 'individualism' is on the rise in many cultures of the world. And as much as I subscribe to some of the benefits of this philosophy, namely; freedom to have independent thought and action, liberty to have individual interest instead of a collective one, and freedom to assert one’s peculiarity. I am nonetheless concerned at the telling effects it appears to be having on relationships and marriages. 

Don’t get me wrong! I believe that freedom is a God given right to all individuals, but many forget that with freedom comes responsibility. That said, marriage is not compulsory. There's no universal law that stipulates that you must be married, no, marriage is a choice. But often times, this perceived sense of freedom without responsibility is what I believe drives couples to extents of tearing themselves apart, in the name of divorce. Thinking that marriage is a trap that halts their individualism.

I've always held the view that divorce is an accident, primarily because I believe that marriage is a journey on the road of life. Just like accidents happen on the road due to someone's careless act, so does divorce happen due to the carelessness of one or both of the couples. However, it's not every traveller who encounters an accident on the road, just as it's not all marriages that are divorce prone. In fact, many couples I know have 'divorce proofed' their marriages. 

Let me show you how! 

10 Steps To Divorce Proof Your Marriage

1. You must learn to forgive quickly: There really is no substitute to forgiveness in keeping your marriage established and healthy. In many of my writings on the subject of forgiveness, I have constantly said that ‘forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision’. This element must really form part of the fabric of your marriage to make it robust and fulfilling. 
2. You must be accountable to someone: The absence of accountability in your life and marriage could lead to disastrous consequences. People tend to misbehave quite easily when they feel that nobody can call them to order. It certainly encourages careless living. To stay on course however, you will have to make yourself answerable to someone who knows you, who can be your guide and be a source of strength when you are vulnerable. This could be your spouse, your mentor, your spiritual leader, a counsellor or someone whose words you hold in high regard. This person must be a person of integrity, not someone who is themselves shady.
3. You must order your personal priority: Knowing what is important to you really determines what you spend your time and energy on. Many people think that money and success is more important than family, only to later realise that after the money and success have come, they have no one to enjoy it with. So, they are lonely and depressed. Your marriage must indeed precede other priorities, then your children, then work, them extended families then others.
4. You must constantly reassess your needs: Life doesn’t ever stay in a straight line, sometimes it goes through a slope and other times it drops down the valley. Thus, you have to move with the times and be able to reassess the changing needs of your spouse. In the first 10 years of our marriage, my wife and I usually played a game that we leant from the late Adrian Rogers of the ‘Love Worth Finding’ fame. The game was called ‘HURRY! HURRY! HOLD ME!’ Basically, if I was upset and my wife called out ‘HURRY! HURRY! HOLD ME!’ I would immediately rush and hold her, and then we would make up (vice versa). But we have since replaced that with something more in keeping with the age of our marriage. The point is, learn to reassess your changing needs.
5. You must always remember why you got married: It is easy (especially with balancing the competing life priorities) to forget why you got married. And the relationship could become dull and stale. But when you are able to rediscover the reason for your marriage, then you can reignite the spark again. My wife and I faced stiff opposition to our marriage in the beginning, and many people thought that we wouldn’t last long together. Our mission is thus to prove them wrong, hence we are determined to see it through to the end.
6. You must shut the door against divorce: If you think that divorce is an option, then someday you may just as well get what you wished for. Because what we end up doing is the effect of our thought, which is the cause. That’s why Louise Hay said, “Every thought we think is creating our future.” As a result, you must shut the door against divorce, then lock the door with the key of love and throw away the key into the ocean of forgiveness.
7. You must practice openness: It isn’t tenable to hide something from your spouse. Nothing about you should be out of bound. No secrecy, no surprises, and no skeleton in the cupboard – you must lay everything bare. Like I keep saying, ‘your spouse is not your enemy, they are not out to get you’ – unless of course your marriage is built on the wrong foundation. Thus, you must be open and honest about your dealings both in the home and outside the home.
8. You must allow your spouse foster relationship outside the marriage: If you are married to the right person, chances are that they have something valuable that needs sharing with the world outside of the home. Give them the space to engage and develop healthy relationships outside of the home. You will find that this would help them become a better spouse if these associations are healthy and productive.
9. You must watch what you say and how you say it: My most famous tool on this aspect is the understanding that the text which makes W O R D S changes in meaning considerably when you move the position of the ‘S’. It becomes S W O R D! To this, John Maxwell said, “People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude.” Be kind and considerate with your words. Let them be gracious and not hurtful.
10. You must take care of your appearance: I am not asking you to become a slave to cosmetic surgery (a bit of self esteem can sort that out), but you must not give up on how you look. You must make sure that you are continuously attractive to your spouse. Give them a reason to always come to you for sexual enjoyment, and not some wayward person out there. Remain gorgeous, exciting, enthusiastic and optimistic and there’ll be no end to the enjoyment in your marriage.

 The Marriage Workshop

When Love Is Not Enough...

Loving is a human activity. Humans are complex beings, therefore love is somewhat complex. Not necessarily because it should be so, but I think it is the human factor in the mix that makes it rather intricate. That’s why two people can start off as love birds and you hear them say things like, ‘oh! I can’t live without you’; ‘you are the love of my life’; ‘I thank God for the day that I met you’; ‘my life has never been the same since you walked in’ – and so on and so forth, only to end up hating each other a few years later.

In my line of work, marriage and relationship counselling, I hear a lot of sad and unfortunate stories of broken hearts and betrayed promises. And nearly in all of these cases, the couples tend to ask at least two of the below questions.

1. Could it be that we were not actually made for each other in the first place and were just an accident (divorce) waiting to happen?
2. Could it be that we were blinded by the love euphoria hence, ignored all the warning signs that showed the relationship wouldn’t last?
3. Or, could it be that we had a misguided notion of love and didn’t really understand what it’s all about?

I have thought a lot about these and many other issues that people bring to the table, and it strikes me that there are times when love is not enough to make your marriage happy. Because of the changing nature of love. Love is a feeling. And feelings are transitory i.e. they are subject to changes. One minute you may feel positive about yourself, but moments later, you may not feel so positive. If love is a feeling, and feelings are changeable (i.e. they rise and fall), it therefore means that love too is unfixed.

The other day, my son upset his youngest sister. She was so angry that she shouted with tears in her eyes “I hate YOU”, which made me quite annoyed with her because we’ve brought them up not to use such words. But to my surprise, less than an hour later, they were cuddling and laughing again. Then I thought to myself, ‘this is an example that I must learn to follow. To not be too upset with people that I end up refusing their love’.

Generally, when we feel happy, love is easy, but it becomes much more difficult when we feel disappointed and annoyed.

If marriage is a journey, then love is that vehicle that conveys us on the road of life to the desired destination (bliss, joy, happiness and fulfilment). But like every vehicle goes through wear and tear through daily use, and needs servicing periodically, so do our marriage need periodic maintenance to keep our relationship healthy. Doing this would essentially help us avoid the unpleasant experience of accidents, which I liken to a divorce.

To keep our relationship fresh and to ensure that our love bank (as Gary Chapman would say) is constantly full, we will have to practice and live by the following 10 principles as a lifestyle.

The 10 Key Principles To Ensuring A Fulfilling Marriage

1. Realise that there are times when circumstances in your marriage will require you to sacrifice your needs and wants for the good of your spouse. When this happens, don’t feel cheated, resentful and vulnerable but consider it an act of love for your spouse.
2. Realise that though your fears, thought and ideas may be real to you, they may not be for your partner. Respect their thoughts and ideas and don’t blackmail them into agreeing with your feelings, but accept that they have the right to be different.
3. Realise that you owe it to yourself and your spouse to communicate your emotions, wants and needs in a way that is both constructive and thoughtful, without damaging the feelings of your spouse in the process.
4. Realise that you are not perfect. Admit that you are wrong when you make mistakes and be willing to receive feedback from your spouse without making excuses for your actions, but reaffirm your commitment to trying to make better choices in the future.
5. Realise that your spouse is different from you, sometimes they will misunderstand your feelings and points of view but this doesn’t mean rejection. Be tolerant, empathic and accommodating in those times.
6. Realise that there is a funny side to who you are. Don’t always take it personal when your spouse or others laugh because of what you said or did wrong, but be willing to laugh at yourself sometimes.
7. Realise that your good intentions can sometimes negatively affect your spouse and others, especially when it comes as a surprise. Be willing to change your approach if our spouse seem unprepared to go on that journey with you at that time. Be patient with them and give them time to adjust.
8. Realise that you owe it to yourself and you spouse to progressively change (logically and rationally), so that you don’t keep falling at every hurdle that life throws at you and your marriage in the future.
9. Realise that you owe it to yourself and your spouse to set boundaries for your extended families (and those of your spouse), and other third parties from interfering in your marriage. Respect this agreement at all times and seek to enforce it by letting your family know that your marriage comes before them.
10. Realise that kindness thumbs over meanness. Your spouse is not your enemy. They may let you down sometimes but you owe it to yourself to give them an opportunity to apologise and be forgiven when they make mistakes.

Mignon McLaughlin was right on the money when She said, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

The Marriage Workshop