Many experts and
relationship commentators agree that the euphoria of love between couples
doesn't usually exceed the third anniversary of the marriage. And primarily,
this is down to the changing feelings of love that each partner perceives from
the other person. Not because they want to (in most cases), but because life
tends to just happen. The family starts to grow as new members (children) are
added to the home. Work pressures, and the pursuit of career prospects take a
toll. Life just happens!
At
this stage in marriage,
many unlearned couples start to consider divorce because they feel that the
initial spark has gone, therefore, the feeling of love is like a distant
memory. But like I usually tell many couples that come to us for counselling,
the love is still there, it's just buried under the pile of all the other life
demands that you are trying to meet. I then go further to say that they both
need to work at meeting each other feel valued, and the love will naturally
grow back.
I
think it was the American poet, playwright and civil right activist, Maya
Angelou that said "I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them
feel."
This
in my view couldn't be truer anywhere else than in marriage.
Sometimes
we may forget someone's name shortly after meeting them, we may even forget
most things they said, but hardly do we ever forget how they made us feel.
Usually, long after the words have been said, the arguments have been had and
the deed done have passed, what lingers most in the heart and soul of our
partner is how we made them feel in the process.
Hence,
we ought to always remain conscious of the things we do and say vis the effects
or likely effects on our spouse. Most times, our spouse isn't selfish; they
just need to be understood. When we show understanding, and respect their
feelings, then we are enabling an environment our love to blossom.
As
a die-hard optimist, I don’t believe there’s any situation that cannot be
changed provided that we are willing to put in the efforts. Thus, I think it is
always useful for couples to keep these 3 things in mind rather than the
thought of divorce.
The
many pressures of life can sometimes make us forget the very reason why we fell
in love and got married in the first place; togetherness, companionship and the
sense of value for one another seems to go astray. But though our love may
appear strained at times, it certainly isn’t dead. No, it’s not a furlong
conclusion (since we can reignite the fire of love in our marriage by placing
priority on the needs of our spouse). For like a magic wand, we’d see a huge
change in their feelings when we start to put them first.
To
feel loved, the average man needs respect, especially at home. Hence when he
gets this from his wife, he feels happier and is more responsive. In the same
way, a woman's need for safety comes top in her priority of love need. Broadly
speaking, she'll feel like a natural woman when her husband cares and
supports her. Note: caring for your spouse doesn't begin and end at
conciliating them with material things, although that's much welcomed, but much
more than this is being homely.
We
got married to our spouse because we committed to loving them for the rest of
our lives. This level of devotion to each other should remain unconditional
until death (not divorce) do us part. However, the challenge often is that many
people seem to forget that they ever made this promise, and instead of giving
love a chance they seek to throw away the pram and the baby at the slightest
cry.
Dr.
Williams H. Doherty (a notable marriage scholar and therapist) in his recent
paper “How common is divorce and what are the reasons”, reported that “lack
of commitment” accounted for 73% of the reasons people give for their
divorces. This is hardly surprising!
When
our spouse senses that we no longer priorities their needs, they naturally
start to question our commitment to making them feel valued in the marriage.
Unfortunately, if this feeling is allowed to grow over time, they will
eventually feel unwanted. In such instances, it could take great grace to win
back their confidence.
3. Remember that kindness thumbs, not meanness:
Being
mean to your spouse pays you no dividends, but will instead put you in the red.
That’s why you must take to being kind with your words and actions. If your
spouse is the dearest person to you then it is wisdom that you let them know
this, because that will ensure that you bag plenty of brownie points.
Something
occurred to me recently that I found very interesting! The letters that
comprise the text 'words' are W O R D S. If you take the
S at the end and you place it at the beginning of the text, the word and
meaning changes profoundly. You get the text S W O R D, a metal blade that is
used for warring and has the potential to kill a person. So, be careful how you
use your words that they do not become the sword that destroys your marriage.
It
is very important that we are gentle and gracious with our words, so that we do
not open the flood gates of hell upon our marriage due to our carelessness.
Some damages when made are very difficult to unmake. We might be able to
retract on what we said, but the feeling that it creates in our spouse may be
hard to undo.
In
conclusion, we should always remember that our spouse is not the enemy, and
fighting them could mean that we win the battle but lose the war.
The
Marriage Workshop
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