In this episode, the title poses a reverberating question, thus, 'Do you want him to cheat?' This comes from the awareness that
some couples, for one reason or another, just seem to always suspect their
partner of not being honest. Most times, this notion that they hold of their
spouse is unsubstantiated and needless. Some claim to just have a hunch, and
would therefore know no rest until they prove this hunch to be true. But unfortunately
for people like this, their spouse may have got tired of trying to prove
themselves at this point that they are forced to look outside of the marriage
for attention. Thus, cheating becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy in the
marriage.The famous Chinese short story writer, Lu Xun said this: "To be suspicious is not a fault. To be suspicious all the time without coming to a conclusion is a defect."
The bedrock of every successful marriage is trust. It is a key ingredient for ensuring mutual respect and harmonious coexistence between couples. Just as you cannot build a solid house without walls, so also can you not build a solid marriage without trust. This is why I liken suspicion to damp that soaks into the structure of the walls and weakens it overtime. If unchecked, and treated, it will one day cause the house to collapse. And in the same way can suspicion cause a marriage to disintegrate and collapse eventually.
Watch it!
It's not as if we are saying that one shouldn't have suspicion sometimes - especially if there's been a history of unfaithfulness. That's understandable! However, when the suspicion becomes an obsession, then this is a signal that something fundamental is wrong with the suspicious spouse. Even if your husband or wife had cheated on you in the past, and you've decided to forgive them (for forgiveness is a decision, a choice and not a feeling), then why should you keep reopening old scares? Let the past remain in the past! And don't allow the mistakes of yesterday to cloud your judgement and view for the future.
Suspicion in marriage usually enters through the back door, and anything that enters through the back door is not straightforward, integral and genuine. Watch it! Because the entrance of suspicion through the back door of your marriage could eventually drive out your love, happiness and peace of mind through the front door.
Watch it I say!
I think that every couple who intends to have a fulfilling and enduring marriage should make suspicion an unwelcome visitor in their home. You may ask! Why should suspicion be a very unwelcome visitor in my marriage?
I think that every couple who intends to have a fulfilling and enduring marriage should make suspicion an unwelcome visitor in their home. You may ask! Why should suspicion be a very unwelcome visitor in my marriage?
1. It
depletes trust, and depleted trust breaks down the home.
2. It
creates and causes offence to your spouse if they find out that you have been
spying on them without a genuine reason.
3. It
wears you out because your mind is constantly working overtime to try and keep
up with your sneaky endeavours.
4. It
eats up the time that you should have spent on more productive things like
spending more time with your children or spouse, instead of constantly checking
if your husband or wife has left a trail, or clue that you would use to nail
your suspicion on them.
5. It
affects your children directly or indirectly because children don't just do
what their parents say, they watch what their parents do and unconsciously do
the same.
6. It
makes you to be resentful of your spouse because your emotions and feelings are
tied to your suspicion, hence it is very real in your world.
7. It
may cause you to want to revenge or retaliate by way of cheating as well, even
when there's no substance behind your suspicion, and this can lead to
disastrous consequences for your marriage - especially if it turns out that
your spouse was innocent all along.
After counselling a number of couples who are dealing with the issue of suspicion, I've come to the conclusion that the best medication for suspicion is open-communication. Couples must learn to live and relate openly with each other on every issue. There shouldn't be any area of your life as an individual that should be out of bound to your spouse. No, not one! Be open about your work, colleagues, salary and finances, your children and your extended families too. If there's anything that your spouse doesn't know about you, let it be something trivial or something inconsequential.
Some husbands think that their wives don't need to know everything, so they drip feed information to their wives. But I've found that in most cases, this is counterproductive. Eventually, the wife find's out about it and she feels undervalued. More so, she starts to question the husband’s commitment to her. Therefore, the best approach is to be open with one another in every matter. Nothing to hide!
In conclusion, if for any reason you think that there’s something fishy about your spouse, then find a way to discuss your thoughts or observation with them heartily. You will find that if you've always maintained a good rapport as a couple, you would easily talk about it without much stress. But if before now you've been on a shaky ground, then it becomes tricky to talk about it. Nonetheless, it is meet that you find a non-confrontational and amiable approach to talk about it before your suspicion becomes a defect to your marriage.
After counselling a number of couples who are dealing with the issue of suspicion, I've come to the conclusion that the best medication for suspicion is open-communication. Couples must learn to live and relate openly with each other on every issue. There shouldn't be any area of your life as an individual that should be out of bound to your spouse. No, not one! Be open about your work, colleagues, salary and finances, your children and your extended families too. If there's anything that your spouse doesn't know about you, let it be something trivial or something inconsequential.
Some husbands think that their wives don't need to know everything, so they drip feed information to their wives. But I've found that in most cases, this is counterproductive. Eventually, the wife find's out about it and she feels undervalued. More so, she starts to question the husband’s commitment to her. Therefore, the best approach is to be open with one another in every matter. Nothing to hide!
In conclusion, if for any reason you think that there’s something fishy about your spouse, then find a way to discuss your thoughts or observation with them heartily. You will find that if you've always maintained a good rapport as a couple, you would easily talk about it without much stress. But if before now you've been on a shaky ground, then it becomes tricky to talk about it. Nonetheless, it is meet that you find a non-confrontational and amiable approach to talk about it before your suspicion becomes a defect to your marriage.
The Marriage Workshop
