Avoiding Strife in Marriage

Strife is the opposite of harmony. Harmony is where every married couple really wants to be with their marriage and relationship.

Some may think that harmony in marriage is a tall order that can only be attained by people who are innately tranquil; people who are willing to concede their happiness and fulfilment in marriage if only to please their partner. But harmony in marriage is not at all about compromise. Ah compromise! A term that I have so much displeasure in. Why? Well, to me (you see), it exudes a sense of ‘copout’, ‘put up with’ and ‘conformity’ – and I don’t like that.

I always prefer a win-win kind of arrangement, which has really worked well for my marriage over the last 17 years.

Not long ago, during one of our workshops, I was discussing our video, “The Condescending Husband” with participants and was emphasising the point that “The husband is not superior to the wife, and the wife is not inferior to the husband.” But unknown to me, a woman in the audience was moved to tears by my assertions because the message touched a part of her that’s been subdued for so many years.

Essentially, she had learnt to put up with her husband’s condescending behaviour for so many years of marriage all in the name of peace. Even though she was evidently troubled by it. However, since culture and family expectation of her was to conform (despite the negativity from her spouse), she endured in silence and carried on with her life as if things were normal. She later told me privately that, “Your video has spoken for me what I’ve been trying to say for so many years, but no one would listen to me. Thank you.”

This to me is compromise and I don’t like it!

Avoiding strife in marriage or living in harmony with your spouse isn’t the same thing as sweeping issues under the carpet. Because if you are not careful, sooner or later, that carpet (where you keep sweeping those issues to) would become a pile of rubble that could end up costing you your marriage – which you thought you were protecting but didn’t know you were endangering. Please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not advocating for storminess and a state of frenzy in your marriage. Far from it! Instead, I am proposing a win-win state of affairs in your marriage. One that will allow you to overcome strife, thereby creating harmony and consensus between you and your spouse.

5 ways to help you avoid strife in your marriage:

1.     Acknowledge your differing views: The sooner couples realise that they will not always agree on every subject, the better it would be for their marriage. It is therefore paramount to acknowledge and respect the views of your spouse even if they are different from yours. Don’t disregard their point of view but be patient and hear them out. Then, having both had your say (in a positive and non-argumentative manner), seek for a consensus in the most objective way you can. Sometimes it might mean that you list all the benefits or risks associated with the issue at hand so that you could see things for what they are. For example, money is said to be one of the biggest causes of strife in marriage. Instead of having endless and fruitless arguments about your failure to buy a property, where one party wants it to happen but the other doesn’t believe in it and would rather rent. You could instead concentrate on the advantages of owning your own home or solicit the advice of an independent adviser to help steer your minds.

2.     Don’t always seek to win the argument: The habit of always wanting to have the last say can be very demeaning and off-putting to your spouse. It usually stems from someone who think they know better than others, and so their points of view must triumph in every discussion. But this can be very unhealthy and damaging to any relationship. Marriage is a partnership, but if one spouse keeps winning all the time without allowing for a consensus, then it isn’t much of a partnership but a disunion.

3.     Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage: Manipulation, whether subtle or aggressive could give you temporary advantage over your spouse, but may end up costing you your marriage in the long run. Some people take the peace-loving nature of their spouses as weakness, therefore treating them as fools. But there’s only so much that a person can endure before they explode to the point of no return. Leaving the marriage in tatters.

 

4.     Put your subjective emotions aside: It isn’t wrong to be emotive about a subject or about things in general. However, it can become problematic when we see everything only from the viewpoint of our subjective emotions, which are sometimes based on false and unfounded beliefs. To encourage a harmonious atmosphere in the home, one must learn to subtract their emotions from issues by considering the facts and evidences. I know of a woman who was convinced that her husband was having an affair just because the husbands of nearly all her friends were having an affair. So, all the tales she’s been hearing from other women about their unfaithful husbands prompted in her mind the notion that her husband was cheating on her even though it wasn’t true.

5.     Love truly: The best way to win your spouse over to your side is to show them that you truly and genuinely love them. It works like magic and has been proven to work through many generations. When people know that you’ve got their back, and they fully understand that your thoughts and actions are geared towards their wellbeing, they would practically dance to your tune. Unlike manipulation that relies upon sweat-talks and selfish acts (just so you can get what you want), demonstrating true love to your spouse makes them to willingly concede to your point. It isn’t the same as compromise, which involves bargaining of some sort. It is a willingness from your spouse to go along with your views because they have this reassuring trust in you that you mean well for them.

Being a healthy person means that you can withstand diseases and other infections because your antibodies are quite robust. It isn't because there are no diseases and infections around you, but because you're immune to them due to your antibodies. So it is with a healthy marriage. It's not diseased and infected by issues but rather immune to them due to its robust practices as listed above. 

The Marriage Workshop