My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!!!

Most men just aren’t getting enough sex from their wives – it’s a known fact. Isn’t it? But wait! Stop! Is it really a known fact or is just playing into the long-standing notion that’s merely conformity to societal predispositions about how men and women respond to sex? Being; men are the aggressors, the hunters, the seekers and hence the initiators of sex – so, how could a man possible not want sex? Indeed, for most people, this is highly inconceivable. I mean, ask any Tom, Dick and Harry and they’d be amazed that this ever happens.

In general, many would think that women would rather do anything (clean the house, iron the clothes, cut their nails or make their hair) over having sex with their husbands. It’s a view that I’ve also held until I began to very recently observe a growing trend in the number of women who come to us to seek advice on what to do about their husband’s lack of sexual passion.

My initial reaction to this was to think (like most people would) that ‘maybe this is a case of impotency’. But I was staggered when I discovered the ages of some of these men. And that’s when I started to think, ‘surely there’s more than meet the eyes, this cannot be impotence’.

So, I embarked on a research. And what I found was rather astonishing!

Surprisingly, one marriage therapist who appeared to have gone further than any (that I could find) on this matter stated that about sixty percent of the women that she analysed submitted to having a higher sexual drive than their husbands. Most of them, it appeared, are starved by their husbands sexually.

Isn’t that just something!

Apparently, “low sexual desire in men is America’s best kept secret”, says Michele Weiner-Davies who runs the “Divorce Busting Centre” in Colarado and Woodstock, Illinois. Michele is the author of the bestselling book “The Sex-Starved Wife.

Michele’s evaluation of women in America to find out how much satisfied they are with their sex lives was done in collaboration with Redbook Magazine, which has a very large readership of young women between the ages of 25 and 44. These women go to them for advice on real life issues like parenting, sex, marriage, money, health and psychology. The magazine is quite reputable as has been going for nearly 100 years.

It was this assessment that helped them to discover that sixty percent of the women who took part in the survey wanted more sex than their husbands. This result doesn’t fit into the cultural bravado that’s commonly linked to men and their attitude towards sex. But brings to question the virility of manliness.

Dr Karen Ruskin is a Marriage & Family Therapist and has been practicing for over 20 years. She describes a scenario (based on thousands of cases that she’s dealt with), which mirrors the issue of low libido in men that this article is trying to address.

It reads,

“I do not have much of a sexual drive. I do not have sexual needs, as far back as I can recall I never really did. My wife does have sexual desires and she is looking for sexual activity with me. 

But I do not fulfil this need of hers. 

I am loving in every other way, this is who I am.” 

Another example that she highlighted reads,

“I never had a large sex drive, but it was certainly more than it currently is. I just don’t have an interest in being sexual with my wife, although I did at one time. 

I do still love her and wish to remain married to her.”

Having digested these bits of information, I didn’t get the sense that these were men struggling with their sexuality, rather, the impression I got was that these are men whose makeup doesn’t seem to include as much testosterone as is generally recognised in men.

But is there an explanation for this?

In response to the question, many people would probably say things like – ‘maybe the men just don’t fancy their wives anymore’ or ‘maybe the men have problems with sustaining an erection. You know! Something predictable like that. However, there’s more to it than that.

The respondents in the aforementioned survey believed that their husbands were put off having sex with them because of some of the following reasons:

                           1. Sexual incompatibility 

                           2. Emotional disconnection from their wives

                           3. Critical and officious attitudes of their wives

                           4. Depression

                           5. Stress

                           6. Midlife crises

                           7. Cultural and religious influences

                           8. History of sexual and emotional abuse

                           9. Guilt from sexual infidelity

                         10. Unmanliness

Having outlined the issues and the possible causes, it is apt to state here that though there’s no known (tried and tested) medical solution for the lacklustre feeling that some husbands show towards sex. Many experts however agree that there’s a lot that the wife can do to help him gradually walk out of his shell, and perhaps develop some spark, sexually.

If your husband is already feeling unmanly about himself and you continue to push and exert pressure on him rather than care, support and encourage him. You will drive him further into despair, and this will not get you what you want.

The best approach is to gently and smoothly let him know how his sexual dullness makes you feel; hurt and rejected. If you notice that he’s not prepared to talk about it at the moment (because men tend to be closed about their feelings), don’t force it or get angry. Rather, be patient and try again, and again. Until such a time as you are able to get across to him.

Unless love has completely left the marriage, I find that most people would respond heartily with empathy when the affected spouse (the wife that’s starved sexually in this case) is able to help (without anger and discountenance) her husband realise the impact of his actions on her feelings. It’s about helping him come out of his comfort zone by enabling him to see the closeness and warmness that your sexual union brings to your marriage. And for him to see how happy and satisfying that makes you feel.

But you cannot force it through, or it would be like you’re taking one step forward and two steps backwards.

Painful experiences from the past can make people to be withdrawn. If this is responsible for your husbands dull sexual application, chances are that he won’t be willing to open up to you unless he feels that he can trust you completely. Every man wants to feel respected, especially by his woman. Hence, his reluctance to open up to you might be underlined by the fact that he doesn’t want you to see him less of a man. But when you help him realise that he can trust you with his emotions, he’ll naturally open up to you.

As you help him work through his issues, consider seeing a good counsellor who can help accelerate your efforts at seeing a change in your husband’s sexual insipidness. Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
There is nothing despicable or shameful if a woman wants to talk about being sexually deprived by her husband. We have to encourage discussions on this and stop making generalisations that’s not true for every marriage. Ultimately, the key thing is that as marriage counsellors, we have to support couples in establishing a stable sexual experience that would satisfy them both – without any of them feeling underfed or overfed sexually.

We can no longer pretend about this matter, we shouldn’t overlook it any more. Sexual deprivation in marriage affects a considerable number of women, that’s a fact. And many of these women aren’t sure what to do, largely because society considers it a myth.

The Marriage Workshop