How To Divorce Proof Your Marriage:

We live at a time when 'individualism' is on the rise in many cultures of the world. And as much as I subscribe to some of the benefits of this philosophy, namely; freedom to have independent thought and action, liberty to have individual interest instead of a collective one, and freedom to assert one’s peculiarity. I am nonetheless concerned at the telling effects it appears to be having on relationships and marriages. 

Don’t get me wrong! I believe that freedom is a God given right to all individuals, but many forget that with freedom comes responsibility. That said, marriage is not compulsory. There's no universal law that stipulates that you must be married, no, marriage is a choice. But often times, this perceived sense of freedom without responsibility is what I believe drives couples to extents of tearing themselves apart, in the name of divorce. Thinking that marriage is a trap that halts their individualism.

I've always held the view that divorce is an accident, primarily because I believe that marriage is a journey on the road of life. Just like accidents happen on the road due to someone's careless act, so does divorce happen due to the carelessness of one or both of the couples. However, it's not every traveller who encounters an accident on the road, just as it's not all marriages that are divorce prone. In fact, many couples I know have 'divorce proofed' their marriages. 

Let me show you how! 

10 Steps To Divorce Proof Your Marriage

1. You must learn to forgive quickly: There really is no substitute to forgiveness in keeping your marriage established and healthy. In many of my writings on the subject of forgiveness, I have constantly said that ‘forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision’. This element must really form part of the fabric of your marriage to make it robust and fulfilling. 
2. You must be accountable to someone: The absence of accountability in your life and marriage could lead to disastrous consequences. People tend to misbehave quite easily when they feel that nobody can call them to order. It certainly encourages careless living. To stay on course however, you will have to make yourself answerable to someone who knows you, who can be your guide and be a source of strength when you are vulnerable. This could be your spouse, your mentor, your spiritual leader, a counsellor or someone whose words you hold in high regard. This person must be a person of integrity, not someone who is themselves shady.
3. You must order your personal priority: Knowing what is important to you really determines what you spend your time and energy on. Many people think that money and success is more important than family, only to later realise that after the money and success have come, they have no one to enjoy it with. So, they are lonely and depressed. Your marriage must indeed precede other priorities, then your children, then work, them extended families then others.
4. You must constantly reassess your needs: Life doesn’t ever stay in a straight line, sometimes it goes through a slope and other times it drops down the valley. Thus, you have to move with the times and be able to reassess the changing needs of your spouse. In the first 10 years of our marriage, my wife and I usually played a game that we leant from the late Adrian Rogers of the ‘Love Worth Finding’ fame. The game was called ‘HURRY! HURRY! HOLD ME!’ Basically, if I was upset and my wife called out ‘HURRY! HURRY! HOLD ME!’ I would immediately rush and hold her, and then we would make up (vice versa). But we have since replaced that with something more in keeping with the age of our marriage. The point is, learn to reassess your changing needs.
5. You must always remember why you got married: It is easy (especially with balancing the competing life priorities) to forget why you got married. And the relationship could become dull and stale. But when you are able to rediscover the reason for your marriage, then you can reignite the spark again. My wife and I faced stiff opposition to our marriage in the beginning, and many people thought that we wouldn’t last long together. Our mission is thus to prove them wrong, hence we are determined to see it through to the end.
6. You must shut the door against divorce: If you think that divorce is an option, then someday you may just as well get what you wished for. Because what we end up doing is the effect of our thought, which is the cause. That’s why Louise Hay said, “Every thought we think is creating our future.” As a result, you must shut the door against divorce, then lock the door with the key of love and throw away the key into the ocean of forgiveness.
7. You must practice openness: It isn’t tenable to hide something from your spouse. Nothing about you should be out of bound. No secrecy, no surprises, and no skeleton in the cupboard – you must lay everything bare. Like I keep saying, ‘your spouse is not your enemy, they are not out to get you’ – unless of course your marriage is built on the wrong foundation. Thus, you must be open and honest about your dealings both in the home and outside the home.
8. You must allow your spouse foster relationship outside the marriage: If you are married to the right person, chances are that they have something valuable that needs sharing with the world outside of the home. Give them the space to engage and develop healthy relationships outside of the home. You will find that this would help them become a better spouse if these associations are healthy and productive.
9. You must watch what you say and how you say it: My most famous tool on this aspect is the understanding that the text which makes W O R D S changes in meaning considerably when you move the position of the ‘S’. It becomes S W O R D! To this, John Maxwell said, “People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude.” Be kind and considerate with your words. Let them be gracious and not hurtful.
10. You must take care of your appearance: I am not asking you to become a slave to cosmetic surgery (a bit of self esteem can sort that out), but you must not give up on how you look. You must make sure that you are continuously attractive to your spouse. Give them a reason to always come to you for sexual enjoyment, and not some wayward person out there. Remain gorgeous, exciting, enthusiastic and optimistic and there’ll be no end to the enjoyment in your marriage.

 The Marriage Workshop