DO YOU WANT HIM TO CHEAT?

In this episode, the title poses a reverberating question, thus, 'Do you want him to cheat?' This comes from the awareness that some couples, for one reason or another, just seem to always suspect their partner of not being honest. Most times, this notion that they hold of their spouse is unsubstantiated and needless. Some claim to just have a hunch, and would therefore know no rest until they prove this hunch to be true. But unfortunately for people like this, their spouse may have got tired of trying to prove themselves at this point that they are forced to look outside of the marriage for attention. Thus, cheating becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy in the marriage.

The famous Chinese short story writer, Lu Xun said this: "To be suspicious is not a fault. To be suspicious all the time without coming to a conclusion is a defect."

The bedrock of every successful marriage is trust. It is a key ingredient for ensuring mutual respect and harmonious coexistence between couples. Just as you cannot build a solid house without walls, so also can you not build a solid marriage without trust. This is why I liken suspicion to damp that soaks into the structure of the walls and weakens it overtime. If unchecked, and treated, it will one day cause the house to collapse. And in the same way can suspicion cause a marriage to disintegrate and collapse eventually.

Watch it!

It's not as if we are saying that one shouldn't have suspicion sometimes - especially if there's been a history of unfaithfulness. That's understandable! However, when the suspicion becomes an obsession, then this is a signal that something fundamental is wrong with the suspicious spouse. Even if your husband or wife had cheated on you in the past, and you've decided to forgive them (for forgiveness is a decision, a choice and not a feeling), then why should you keep reopening old scares? Let the past remain in the past! And don't allow the mistakes of yesterday to cloud your judgement and view for the future.

Suspicion in marriage usually enters through the back door, and anything that enters through the back door is not straightforward, integral and genuine. Watch it! Because the entrance of suspicion through the back door of your marriage could eventually drive out your love, happiness and peace of mind through the front door.

Watch it I say!

I think that every couple who intends to have a fulfilling and enduring marriage should make suspicion an unwelcome visitor in their home. You may ask! Why should suspicion be a very unwelcome visitor in my marriage?

1.     It depletes trust, and depleted trust breaks down the home.

2.     It creates and causes offence to your spouse if they find out that you have been spying on them without a genuine reason.

3.     It wears you out because your mind is constantly working overtime to try and keep up with your sneaky endeavours.

4.     It eats up the time that you should have spent on more productive things like spending more time with your children or spouse, instead of constantly checking if your husband or wife has left a trail, or clue that you would use to nail your suspicion on them.

5.     It affects your children directly or indirectly because children don't just do what their parents say, they watch what their parents do and unconsciously do the same.

6.     It makes you to be resentful of your spouse because your emotions and feelings are tied to your suspicion, hence it is very real in your world.

7.     It may cause you to want to revenge or retaliate by way of cheating as well, even when there's no substance behind your suspicion, and this can lead to disastrous consequences for your marriage - especially if it turns out that your spouse was innocent all along.

After counselling a number of couples who are dealing with the issue of suspicion, I've come to the conclusion that the best medication for suspicion is open-communication. Couples must learn to live and relate openly with each other on every issue. There shouldn't be any area of your life as an individual that should be out of bound to your spouse. No, not one! Be open about your work, colleagues, salary and finances, your children and your extended families too. If there's anything that your spouse doesn't know about you, let it be something trivial or something inconsequential.

Some husbands think that their wives don't need to know everything, so they drip feed information to their wives. But I've found that in most cases, this is counterproductive. Eventually, the wife find's out about it and she feels undervalued. More so, she starts to question the husband’s commitment to her. Therefore, the best approach is to be open with one another in every matter. Nothing to hide!

In conclusion, if for any reason you think that there’s something fishy about your spouse, then find a way to discuss your thoughts or observation with them heartily. You will find that if you've always maintained a good rapport as a couple, you would easily talk about it without much stress. But if before now you've been on a shaky ground, then it becomes tricky to talk about it. Nonetheless, it is meet that you find a non-confrontational and amiable approach to talk about it before your suspicion becomes a defect to your marriage.

The Marriage Workshop

Episode 27: Establishing Good Standard

Watch Your Thoughts

Thoughts are things! 

They proceed from our emotions of love, disappointments, affirmations, confusions, trust, fear and many other instances that we may experience in marriage as we try to navigate the route to fulfilment with our spouse. But we must never assume that thoughts (especially ones of a negative undertone) are harmless because these thoughts become the very things that eventually dictate the way we act towards our spouse.

It is not difficult to know what someone is thinking or to know their thinking pattern. Just check out the things they do, and that would tell you what they are like on the inside. A very famous passage of the bible declares "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he..." (Proverbs 23:7a NLV).

As humans, we've been created in such a way that people aren't able to see our thoughts, because it is all happening behind the scene. Be that as it may, they can see and experience our behaviours on the outside. But behaviour is not isolated, it does not exist alone by itself. Indeed, it is not divorced. Instead, it is made up, mingled and married to our thoughts.

The truth is that it is an effect that is caused by our thoughts. Therefore, if our thoughts about the instances and experiences that arise in our marriage is positive, then our behaviour towards our spouse would be positive. Yet, if our thoughts about the same is negative, then our behaviour towards our spouse would be negative.

I discovered that many people don't realise that the word 'negative' is from the root word 'NEGATE', which means to nullify, to invalidate and to void. It is painful to imagine that some people are nullifying, invalidating and voiding their own marriages because of the negative thoughts they hold about their spouse, and the subsequent negative behaviours that they dissipate regularly. It is unimaginable I know, but the reality is that many couples who have allowed (and continue to allow) their negatives thoughts about instances in their marriage to govern their behaviours, are in essence working against themselves without knowing.

To combat the possibility of this, couples must learn to refuse and reject negative thoughts from inflaming in their minds to the point where it dictates their continual actions. Couples must make every conscious effort to keep their minds stayed on the positives things about their spouse - as much as possible.

Now! I know this is sometimes easier said than done, but this is one instance where practice makes perfect. The more we give it a try, the better we become at it over time. We should do everything within our power to turn down each negative thought before it becomes a behaviour. The Priest and reformer Martin Luther said, “You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.”

You can’t get a better perspective than that! 

Finally, let me leave you with a most powerful scripture in Philippians 4:8, which The Living Bible (TLC) renders in a most compelling way. It says,

"And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: 

Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. 

Think about things that are pure and lovely, 

and dwell on the fine, good things in others. 

Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about."

The Marriage Workshop

IS COOKING JUST A WOMAN'S JOB?

Some people who are traditionalist in their views and inclination may argue that YES, cooking is a woman’s job, but like one commentator illustrated, “It is the job of anyone that wants to eat, both men and women.” That sounds rather funny, but I think it is very true!

I’ve yet to come across any material or instrument of law in any country of the world where it states that cooking is gender specific. Please, if you know of any such material in existence do let me know because I’d be really delighted to educate myself accordingly. Until then however, I’m inclined to believe that cooking isn’t gender specific and that it isn’t gender dependent.

I think women have traditionally played the role of the cook in the home because of certain customs and traditions that’s been in existence since pre-civilisation times.

In the olden days, the workplaces were farmlands and later coalfields. And these were dominated by men because they were regarded as having more strength to cultivate the farm and dig the mines. Women on the other hand stayed at home to keep the house, care for the children and ensure that the men have a ready meal when they returned home after a hard day’s work.

But that was okay for them then. The socioeconomic reality that they found themselves living in at that time warranted that sort of arrangement. Nevertheless, times have changed. The workplace is no longer the farmlands and coalfields as it was before. It has now diversified and many women are having to work as hard as their husbands so as to aid the economic wellbeing of their family. Some are working even harder than their husbands, just to ensure that there’s food on the table. Not forgetting other domestic chores that today’s woman has to ensure gets done on a daily basis. And it is these and other factors that makes me think that it isn’t helping situations in marriage if we should keep fanning the flames of the old tradition that cooking is a woman’s job.

Most times when I watch a cookery programme on TV, I tend to see only male chefs. Come to think of it, I’ve hardly been to a restaurant whose chef is not a man. Although, someone’s gender doesn’t necessarily determine their ability to cook. Far from it!

Cooking is an art. Some people are passionate about it, others are less passionate about it – male and female alike. And for this reason, I’d say that whichever of the couple that loves cooking more should be the one that does the cooking, be it the husband or the wife. Or better still, couples could learn to cook together.

I believe that there are three key benefits that are available to marriages where couples have learnt to cook together. These are as follows:

1. An opportunity to share quality time together: As opposed to a situation where the husband is busy watching TV while his wife slaves away in the kitchen after a hard day’s work, cooking together will undoubtedly create an atmosphere for the couple to enjoy quality time together. The time taken to prepare the ingredients and eventual cooking of the meal is truly a great prospect to catch up on the day’s events – talking, laughing and just enjoying each other’s company in the process. As a result of this, a very strong bond will increasingly be formed between the couple.

2. An opportunity to celebrate together: If the meal turns out well, you’ll celebrate together because you both made it. And if peradventure it didn’t quite turn out well, there’ll be no blame casting because you both created the meal. So rather than one person complaining that the meal wasn’t well prepared, you both laugh at your mistakes and enjoy the meal, nonetheless. It truly is a lovely thing!

3. An opportunity to model good example for the children: You may not yet realise it but your children are smart enough to know the difference between what you preach and what you do. And it is what you do that they’ll follow, not what you say. I can’t think of a more powerful demonstration of virtue and commitment to family than for a boy to see his father doing house chores with delight. It will help to shape that boy into a quality man for the future. Our children don’t just want to hear us talk about love, kindness and togetherness, but more than that, they want to see us genuinely demonstrate these qualities through our actions.

There’s a scripture in the Bible that I so much love, and I think it’s relative to this article in many ways. It is recorded in Matthew 9:15 and it reads, “And who would use old wineskins to store new wine? For the old skins would burst with the pressure, and the wine would be spilled and skins ruined.” The old wine skin represents old methods and systems and the new wine skin represents new methods and systems. To preserve the new and fresh wine in your marriage, you must use the new wine skin. You cannot keep using your old wine skin or everything would burst and end in ruin.

Every now and then, to keep our smartphones and computers in excellent working condition, we have to update its software. If we fail to do this, we would one day discover that the device has become handicapped by its inability to perform the simplest function just because we didn’t update it.

So is life in general. Even so is marriage in general. We cannot expect to keep using outdated cultural and traditional methods in modern times and expect that everything would be okay. We have to change our approach so we can keep getting the outcomes we desire for our marriage.

I therefore submit that ‘cooking is not just a woman’s job’.

The Marriage Workshop

10 Most Effective Ways to Improve Communication In Marriage

Communication has always been pivotal to human coexistence. And although it has dramatically changed form and mode in modern times, its object i.e. the desire to be understood has nonetheless stayed the same throughout. In other words, ‘I speak, you hear, and when you speak, I understand’. That’s communication. The conveyance of ideas, information and thoughts in a way that is meaningful to the recipient.

 

But you and I know that the object of communication i.e. ‘I speak, you hear, and when you speak I understand’ is not always achieved in every human interaction, especially in marriage.

The UN Demographics and Socialist Statistics suggests that about 53% of marriages in the USA end in divorce, and in Belgium, the divorce rate is a staggering 71%. Figures like this blight the marriage institution and can make people who are intending to get married to become quite intimidated, and put off it altogether.

In view of this, many experts and commentators assent that miscommunication between married couples rank very high in the reasons that divorced couples cite for the breakdown of their marriages. Many of these couples may have started well with the good intention of ending well, but unfortunately, miscommunication or the lack of communication somehow crept into their relationship and brought about discord. Not being able to find a way out of the conundrum, they surrendered to the temporary escape of divorce.

I am always puzzled by how it is that couples who started out loving each other, somehow slope into hating each other, within a short time. Such that they hardly can see eye to eye because of the mounting issues between them. It really shouldn’t be so because nearly every problem in marriage can be resolved by reinstating the basis of effective communication.

The following are my top 10 tips for improving communication in marriage. And I believe that these would help to perpetuate harmony in most troubled marriages.

Top 10 tips for improving communication in your marriage

1.     Accept responsibility when you are wrong: Marriage is a union, a partnership and a collaboration. It’s not a place for point scoring or blame casting. The truth is that you are not in a battle with your spouse, but your spouse is your friend. And so long as you see them in that light, you’ll have no occasion for point scoring and blame casting. If you are wrong, accept that you are wrong, apologise and give them the opportunity to forgive you.  

2.     Maintain an open mind: An open mind ensures that you are not judgemental of the actions of your spouse. It helps you to always give them the benefit of the doubt, even if it seems that they keep repeating the same mistake. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they are constantly being heavily criticised. No! Criticism suppresses love and increases dissension.

3.     Be specific about the problem and use examples: It is important to be specific and not to generalise when trying to discuss issues in marriage. Avoid this mistake that many couples make. If there are specific examples that would help your spouse to fully appreciate how the problem makes you feel, then state this and let them know how you feel. Don’t assume that they should know, chances are that they don’t. Hence you can help them to understand how you feel by telling them specifically.

4.     Stay composed: It is always a challenge to extricate our emotions from issues we deem pertinent. Most of us are not skilled in the art of maintaining calmness, especially when we feel very emotional about the issue. So we result to shouting, intimidation and finger pointing. It’s as if we momentarily forget that our spouse is not the enemy, so rather than talk, we shout. Some people even descend so low as to use verbal and physical abuse against their spouse. This is quite disgusting and no one should have to put up with that. Learn to be calm and composed. Don’t let your emotions rule your actions, you may destroy the very thing that was intended for your good.

5.     Don’t mix past issues with present ones: We have to let go of the past no matter how strong we may feel about the issues that happened in the past. But if we keep referring to past mistakes, past failures and past events then we wouldn’t be able to have the needed focus to objectively tackle current issues. Let bygones be bygone. Don’t let past issues cloud or discolour your view of current situations.

6.     Don’t deviate from the subject of discussion: Always endeavour to disentangle problems so that you can deal with issues one at a time. If you keep throwing issues at each other at intervals without having fully reviewed each one in an orderly fashion, you may end up exercising a lot of energy and time without resolving a single problem. And this can be very tiresome. Some people tend to change the subject when they want to avoid issues, but this is unhealthy and unhelpful. A wholesome person would not shy away from issues, but would accept they’ve made a mistake when their attention is drawn to it.

7.     Resist the urge to use words like never, ever, every-time, all the time, always: Words like never, ever, every-time, all the time and always are very accusative in nature, and they can make your spouse to become defensive. If you follow tips 2-6 above, you would rarely fall into the temptation of saying things like – ‘you don’t always show care for my needs’. Or, ‘you never spend time with me’, etc. It is important that we learn to put things into context so that we don’t make false accusations and incorrect assumptions.

8.     Don’t conceal information or hold back: This can often happen when one partner is feeling betrayed by the other partner, and so they think there’s no point trying to engage with them. Rather than talk openly about things, they choose to drip-feed. But it is important to realise that if you are ever going to move past the miscommunication in your marriage, you would have to stop concealing information from your spouse.

  

9.     Work towards a consensus and not a compromise: I find that this point keeps coming up in nearly all of my counselling sessions with different couples, and that’s why I tend to highlight it often in my writings. If you’ve read my article on “Avoiding Strife In Your Marriage”, you would see that I dealt with the issue of compromise in some detail. Now! Consensus is reaching an agreement over an issue such that the needs of all the parties involved are equally met. In other words, no one is disadvantaged by reason of the decision or agreed action. Everyone is happy about it and fully consenting to it. The opposite of this is compromise, which is a situation where people forego their needs just to please their spouse, even though they aren’t happy about it. Compromise could temporarily ease an issue but it may not permanently resolve it because the ‘unhappily-compliant’ spouse may feel cheated over time. Matured couples work things out on the basis of consensus and not compromise.

10.  Be quick to forgive: This is another key tip that I tend to emphasis. Basically, forgiveness is that aspect in marriage through which we wipe clean the slate and start again, and again. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice and a decision. It is that opportunity for us to allow freshness into our marriage by letting go of every negative emotion. And once the air is cleared, we can then begin to discuss issues positively.

Marriage is a wonderful platform for sharing: sharing love, sharing hope and sharing happiness, and effective communication can help couples to attain these objectives.

The Marriage Workshop

The Marriage Workshop