Communication has always been pivotal to human coexistence.
And although it has dramatically changed form and mode in modern times, its
object i.e. the desire to be understood has nonetheless stayed the same
throughout. In other words, ‘I speak, you
hear, and when you speak, I understand’. That’s communication. The conveyance
of ideas, information and thoughts in a way that is meaningful to the
recipient.
But you and I know that the object of communication i.e. ‘I speak, you hear, and when you speak I understand’
is not always achieved in every human interaction, especially in marriage.
The UN Demographics and Socialist Statistics suggests that
about 53% of marriages in the USA end in divorce, and in Belgium, the divorce
rate is a staggering 71%. Figures like this blight the marriage institution and
can make people who are intending to get married to become quite intimidated,
and put off it altogether.
In view of this, many experts and commentators assent that
miscommunication between married couples rank very high in the reasons that
divorced couples cite for the breakdown of their marriages. Many of these
couples may have started well with the good intention of ending well, but
unfortunately, miscommunication or the lack of communication somehow crept into
their relationship and brought about discord. Not being able to find a way out
of the conundrum, they surrendered to the temporary escape of divorce.
I am always puzzled by how it is that couples who started
out loving each other, somehow slope into hating each other, within a short
time. Such that they hardly can see eye to eye because of the mounting issues
between them. It really shouldn’t be so because nearly every problem in marriage
can be resolved by reinstating the basis of effective communication.
The following are my top 10 tips for improving communication
in marriage. And I believe that these would help to perpetuate harmony in most troubled marriages.
Top 10 tips for improving communication in your marriage
1.
Accept responsibility when you are wrong: Marriage
is a union, a partnership and a collaboration. It’s not a place for point
scoring or blame casting. The truth is that you are not in a battle with your
spouse, but your spouse is your friend. And so long as you see them in that
light, you’ll have no occasion for point scoring and blame casting. If you are
wrong, accept that you are wrong, apologise and give them the opportunity to
forgive you.
2. Maintain an open mind: An open mind ensures that you
are not judgemental of the actions of your spouse. It helps you to always give
them the benefit of the doubt, even if it seems that they keep repeating the
same mistake. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they are constantly
being heavily criticised. No! Criticism suppresses love and increases
dissension.
3.
Be specific about the problem and use examples: It is
important to be specific and not to generalise when trying to discuss issues in
marriage. Avoid this mistake that many couples make. If there are specific
examples that would help your spouse to fully appreciate how the problem makes
you feel, then state this and let them know how you feel. Don’t assume that
they should know, chances are that they don’t. Hence you can help them to
understand how you feel by telling them specifically.
4.
Stay composed: It is always a challenge to
extricate our emotions from issues we deem pertinent. Most of us are not
skilled in the art of maintaining calmness, especially when we feel very
emotional about the issue. So we result to shouting, intimidation and finger
pointing. It’s as if we momentarily forget that our spouse is not the enemy, so
rather than talk, we shout. Some people even descend so low as to use verbal
and physical abuse against their spouse. This is quite disgusting and no one should
have to put up with that. Learn to be calm and composed. Don’t let your
emotions rule your actions, you may destroy the very thing that was intended
for your good.
5.
Don’t mix past issues with present ones: We
have to let go of the past no matter how strong we may feel about the issues
that happened in the past. But if we keep referring to past mistakes, past
failures and past events then we wouldn’t be able to have the needed focus to
objectively tackle current issues. Let bygones be bygone. Don’t let past issues
cloud or discolour your view of current situations.
6.
Don’t deviate from the subject of discussion: Always endeavour to disentangle problems so that you can deal with
issues one at a time. If you keep throwing issues at each other at intervals without
having fully reviewed each one in an orderly fashion, you may end up exercising
a lot of energy and time without resolving a single problem. And this can be
very tiresome. Some people tend to change the subject when they want to avoid
issues, but this is unhealthy and unhelpful. A wholesome person would not shy
away from issues, but would accept they’ve made a mistake when their attention
is drawn to it.
7.
Resist the urge to use words like never, ever, every-time, all
the time, always: Words like never, ever, every-time, all the time and always
are very accusative in nature, and they can make your spouse to become
defensive. If you follow tips 2-6 above, you would rarely fall into the
temptation of saying things like – ‘you don’t always show care for my needs’. Or,
‘you never spend time with me’, etc. It is important that we learn to put
things into context so that we don’t make false accusations and incorrect assumptions.
8.
Don’t conceal information or hold back: This can
often happen when one partner is feeling betrayed by the other partner, and so they
think there’s no point trying to engage with them. Rather than talk openly
about things, they choose to drip-feed. But it is important to realise that if
you are ever going to move past the miscommunication in your marriage, you
would have to stop concealing information from your spouse.
9.
Work towards a consensus and not a compromise: I
find that this point keeps coming up in nearly all of my counselling sessions
with different couples, and that’s why I tend to highlight it often in my
writings. If you’ve read my article on “Avoiding Strife In Your Marriage”, you
would see that I dealt with the issue of compromise in some detail. Now! Consensus
is reaching an agreement over an issue such that the needs of all the parties involved
are equally met. In other words, no one is disadvantaged by reason of the
decision or agreed action. Everyone is happy about it and fully consenting to
it. The opposite of this is compromise, which is a situation where people
forego their needs just to please their spouse, even though they aren’t happy
about it. Compromise could temporarily ease an issue but it may not permanently
resolve it because the ‘unhappily-compliant’ spouse may feel cheated over time.
Matured couples work things out on the basis of consensus and not compromise.
10. Be
quick to forgive: This is another key tip that I tend to emphasis. Basically,
forgiveness is that aspect in marriage through which we wipe clean the slate
and start again, and again. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice and a
decision. It is that opportunity for us to allow freshness into our marriage by
letting go of every negative emotion. And once the air is cleared, we can then
begin to discuss issues positively.
Marriage is a wonderful platform for sharing: sharing love,
sharing hope and sharing happiness, and effective communication can help
couples to attain these objectives.
The Marriage Workshop
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