Did I Marry The Wrong Person?

Every relationship has a cycle.  At first, when you fell in love with your spouse, you awaited their call, wanted their touch, and didn’t even mind or bother about their peculiarities. Like most people, you didn’t find it hard falling in love with your spouse. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to do anything. That's why it's called falling in love. It just happens and you are unable to control it. 

People in love sometimes say, I was swept of my feet. Think about the imagery of that expression.  It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened to you. 

Falling in love is easy. It's a rather passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love tends to gradually fade. It's the natural cycle of every relationship. 

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's eccentricities, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and your spouse might start asking, 'Did I marry the right person?'  

And as you and your spouse reflect on the rapture of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is the point when cracks start to show up in marriages. All of a sudden, people begin to blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfilment. 

Extramarital fulfilment comes in all shape sand sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, pornography, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does not lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. Whilst it is very possible for you to fall in love with someone else during this rough patch in your marriage, it usually is only temporal relief. Because you're more likely to be in the same situation a few years later.

Researchers say that the divorce rate is twice higher in second marriages, and one relationship commentator said,

“THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND

Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll never just happen to you. You can't find lasting love.  You have to make it happen day in and day out. That's why we have the expression 'the labour of love.'  Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes sacrifice. You have to know what to do to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is not a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits i.e. forgiveness and committing to meet the needs of your spouse will make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable.

Love in marriage is indeed a decision and not just a feeling. 

The man or woman that walks into your life may be God sent. But it is up to you to decide if you let them walk away or stay.

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Be Quick To Forgive

Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice - it is a decision. 

When we allow dislike and disgust to fester against our spouse due to un-forgiveness we create room for the enemy to destroy the purpose for which God has brought us together. But your spouse is not the real enemy. You must know and understand this so you don't spend your time and energy on the wrong battle, and with wrong enemy. I believe that's why Martin Luther King Jr said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate..."

When we allow resentment to grow in our heart against our spouse, it soon turns into hatred. When we hate someone, we will naturally despise and criticise them for anything that they do - both good and bad. It is almost like (in our eyes), there's nothing good and acceptable that's coming from them. No matter how much effort they put into making things right with us, we are non receptive because the emotion we feel towards them is filled with resentment. But peace of mind is a near impossibility without the constant willingness to forgive being firmly rooted in the heart.

"Forgiveness says you are given another chance 

to make a new beginning."

                           Desmond Tutu

That chance to make a new beginning allows freshness to flow into the marriage, because it doesn't refer to the past. It doesn't hold the offending spouse captive to their mistakes, but creates a conducive environment for love to bud again.

Desmond Tutu, the South African Social Activist and retired Anglican Bishop said something very profound about forgiveness. He said,

"Without forgiveness, there's no future."

This is far-reaching truth! And it is why we MUST learn to 'Be Quick To Forgive'. 

Like we keep saying on The Marriage Workshop, marriage should not be endured but should be enjoyed!

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You Don't Have To Be Selfish!!!

You don't have to be selfish!!!

Think of all the parties involved whilst you are contemplating separation or divorce. Ensure you do not leave issues to build up before dealing with them, as this can be detrimental to your relationship. Learn to deal with all the little foxes as soon as they surface, so that they do not become major issues that you may find insurmountable in the future.

Most issues don’t resolve themselves, we have to put in conscious and concerted effort to resolve them. Don't use the edge you have on the side of the Law i.e. in the U.K. to evict your husband like a piece of dirt, especially when he doesn't deserve it. Remember! It takes two to make children and ideally, two to raise them. (It is fair to say that this is not always possible in some extreme cases, but all effort should at least be put in to make things work rather than promoting selfish intentions.)

There is no perfect marriage. If any consolation, you are not alone in your world! Some are even going through worst situations, but are instead taking positive steps to resolve these issues.

Keep in mind that stress can cause the strongest of marriages to collapse!

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1

Separation or Divorce decision should be made independent of your emotions. Do not rush into it, fight for your marriage and try to repair the relationship. Seek professional help because these issues can affect your health if bottled in.

Think! What is the main cause of the conflict? Is it just a phase or an unresolved conflict? Is there something that happened in the past that you just can't get past? Are you leaving in un-forgiveness? Has the relationship just become boring? You just don’t feel anything any more! Remember, love is a choice!, it can come back if you open up to it.

However, if the current state of your marriage is violent i.e. a physically abusive relationship, you must take the necessary steps to remove yourself (and your children) from danger. It is still possible for this situation to be resolved, but it will take time and a lot of effort from both parties, and done with an open mind to save the marriage at this stage.

The Marriage Workshop